Total pages in book: 112
Estimated words: 107944 (not accurate)
Estimated Reading Time in minutes: 540(@200wpm)___ 432(@250wpm)___ 360(@300wpm)
Estimated words: 107944 (not accurate)
Estimated Reading Time in minutes: 540(@200wpm)___ 432(@250wpm)___ 360(@300wpm)
I shook off my nerves the best I could and stood tall. I rolled my shoulders back and said the words that would break his heart. They’d break mine even more. I told the biggest lie I’d ever told as I looked deep into his eyes. “I don’t want to be your best friend anymore, Aiden.”
The flash in his eyes at the sternness of my words shattered me. I saw his hurt, yet it was my soul that ached. That was how connected we were, how connected we’d always been. When I was sad, he felt it. When he was broken, I collapsed, too.
His mouth parted to speak, but he paused. He then wrapped his hands around his Jerry necklace and ripped it off. He dropped it to the floor and looked me dead in my eyes. For the first time in our whole lives of knowing one another, his blues looked hollow. As if any emotion he had attached to me vanished in an instant. His cool blue eyes were now cold as he parted his lips and said, “Fuck you, Hailee Jones. I never want to speak to you again.”
20
Aiden
* * *
I got on the stupid flight.
“Are you okay?” Mom asked as she sat beside me on the airplane.
My hand gripped the armrest, and I’d been tapping my foot nonstop. I didn’t feel like talking to her. I didn’t feel like talking to anyone. But I did feel.
I felt so much that I felt as if my heart was going to explode from my chest and crumble into a million pieces. I felt rage. I felt sadness. I felt loneliness. I felt betrayed. Then I felt her.
I didn’t know how, but I still felt Hailee within my chest.
I didn’t want to feel that. I didn’t want to feel her because she had no business remaining in my mind, in my psyche, in my fucking shattered heart.
I stood by her! I stood by her side through all her hardships, and the moment she got the opportunity to throw me to the side, she did it without any effort. She went on and on about how if we started dating, we wouldn’t ruin our friendship, and then she did this.
“I’m fine,” I murmured, reaching into my backpack underneath the seat to grab my script. I was going to pour myself into my craft. I was going to immerse myself into every character that came before me because if I focused all my attention on the characters, I’d have less time to focus on myself. On my feelings. I didn’t want to feel anymore, so I did the only thing I could think to do—I shut off that corner of my soul.
I locked up my emotions and threw away the key.
I’d spend the rest of my life dedicated to the characters in my movies so I wouldn’t have to face the hole that Hailee left within my chest. It was easier that way. It was easier to become someone else instead of being the heartbroken kid from Leeks, Wisconsin, who had enough nerve to fall in love with his best friend.
I sat in the bedroom of our rental property in California, having a full-blown panic attack. My body was drenched in sweat, and my heart felt as if it was being tossed through a paper shredder. The room was pitch black, and the only noise heard was the spinning of the ceiling fan above me. I felt nauseous as I replayed my last words to Hailee.
I never want to speak to you again.
Why did I say that? I didn’t mean that. I was angry. I was hurt. I was confused and blindsided, but I didn’t mean that. Of course, I didn’t mean that. She was my person. I needed her. My heart ached without her.
I couldn’t breathe at a steady pace as I reached for my cell phone and texted her.
Aiden: I didn’t mean what I said, Jerry. I’m sorry. I love you.
Aiden: It’s late, so I know you’re sleeping, but please, call me in the morning.
Aiden: I shouldn’t have gotten on the plane. Fuck, Hails, I’m sorry.
Aiden: Even if we are just friends, that’s fine. I can do that.
Aiden: I just need you in my life, okay?
Aiden: I need you.
Aiden: Call me in the morning.
Aiden: I love you, Hailee. I love you.
She didn’t text me the next morning. She didn’t text me that following week.
She didn’t write me back for weeks until she did.
Hailee: I’m so sorry, Aiden. Our lives are heading in different directions. Maybe we can still be friends, but I think it’s best if we don’t talk for a while.
And just like that, the sun of my life faded to darkness.
Part II
“Love is so short and forgetting is so long.” – Pablo Neruda
21
Aiden
Five Years Later
* * *
I was convinced my heartbeats were built on loneliness. They thrived in the darkness of my solitude.