Total pages in book: 112
Estimated words: 107944 (not accurate)
Estimated Reading Time in minutes: 540(@200wpm)___ 432(@250wpm)___ 360(@300wpm)
Estimated words: 107944 (not accurate)
Estimated Reading Time in minutes: 540(@200wpm)___ 432(@250wpm)___ 360(@300wpm)
I had an unbelievably strong fear of letting my parents down. I felt myself breaking into a sweat as I tried to make my father understand my point of view. I hadn’t even known why I was so nervous. It was just that while I was good at acting, it didn’t mean I was happy with it. I felt sadder than someone with my level of success should’ve felt.
I oftentimes had a lot of thoughts that weren’t worthy of being thought. In my emotion-based mind, they made sense, but logically? Most of the things I worried about were ridiculous.
That didn’t mean I still didn’t worry, though.
Worrying was one of my strongest traits, and hiding my worries from others was my second strongest. Half the time, people could be sitting right beside me, and they wouldn’t have a clue I was in a full-blown panic attack.
I once got interviewed and was asked how I could dive so deeply and intimately into the mentally unstable character I was playing.
A part of me wanted to shout from the rooftops that it was easy to play myself in a role.
My father stared at me as if I were seconds away from ripping his heart out. Perhaps, I was.
Over the years, I had an irrational fear that if I let my parents down, they wouldn’t love me anymore. It was an intrusive thought with no backing. I hated when those thoughts won. It felt as if you were beaten by your worst fears, which then, in turn, forced you to surrender to them. Logically, I knew my parents would never love me any less if I let them down. If anything, my mom made it clear she’d probably love me even more.
“He wants to be a kid for one last time, Samuel,” Mom finished. “I support that decision. Frankly, you should, too. He’s worked hard and should have a say in where his life goes next. Regardless of what you think, Aiden is going back to Leeks to finish the school year, and then we’ll see what he wants to do next.”
Okay, maybe one of my parents noticed my full-blown panic.
Only two people in my life could truly read me. Thankfully, my mother was one of them.
Mom was the most beautiful woman in the world. A stunning Black woman with auburn curls that reached her lower back. Her wide smile made everyone who received it smile in return. Mom’s smiles felt like a blanket straight from the dryer—comforting and filled with warmth. Her brown eyes were packed with sincerity and love. When she laughed too hard, she’d hiccup. And when she felt her son shutting down? She’d speak up for him.
“What he wants to do next?” Dad asked in a fiery tone. “He has all the talent in the world to be the next big thing and the road to that is wide open right now. Do you know how many people would kill for this?”
“That doesn’t mean it’s right for him,” Mom said.
He looked at me with a stern stare, but I saw a flash of sadness in his eyes. At that moment, I realized I wasn’t living my dream—I was living my father’s. Dad and Jake spent a lot of time out in California chasing their dreams of fame. A part of me knew he packed that dream up when I was adopted.
Sometimes I wondered if he was proud of me or envious. I wondered if pride and jealousy could’ve been roommates in a person’s soul. The kind of roommates who fought every day and had no business being around one another.
He crossed his arms. “Do you not want to be an actor? After all this time? After all the sacrifices we’ve made?”
There it was—the overwhelming desire to go rock in a corner sitting in a puddle of my sweat.
“Don’t guilt-trip him,” Mom ordered. Yeah, you tell him, Mom! At least someone wasn’t afraid to speak up.
“I’m not guilt-tripping. I’m asking. Aiden.” He approached me. “Be upfront with me. Do you want to be an actor?”
The look in his eyes told me there was only one right answer. Only one answer would make the guilt and panic in my chest ease away. The one answer that wouldn’t make me a disappointment in my father’s eyes. His dreams, not mine. “Yeah, of course.”
Dad sighed with relief. “See? He wants this.”
Mom turned to me, tilting her head as she studied me, but remained silent. She knew I was lying, but she wouldn’t go against my words.
“I just want to experience senior year for a short time. If a role comes, I’ll leave. Dad, I’ll stay on top of everything, my career and school. We can make this work.”
Dad’s brows lowered as his nose scrunched up before he finally surrendered. “The moment schooling interferes with your career, I’m pulling you.”