Total pages in book: 119
Estimated words: 113837 (not accurate)
Estimated Reading Time in minutes: 569(@200wpm)___ 455(@250wpm)___ 379(@300wpm)
Estimated words: 113837 (not accurate)
Estimated Reading Time in minutes: 569(@200wpm)___ 455(@250wpm)___ 379(@300wpm)
I faltered, unsure what to say. I did not want to make him cry. My life was becoming increasingly conflicted. And shouldn’t I be used to that by now?
“Yeah, but I’ll come back and see you.”
I didn’t look at Bellamy. Of course he knew I was going to Cornell, but we hadn’t discussed anything really. And while I’d moved in here on a whim, I never could have predicted just how much my little safe house would feel like home.
Arlo’s frown deepened before he pushed back from the table, then took off down the hall.
The door to his room slammed closed, and Carol sighed. Bellamy stared down at his plate, obviously avoiding looking in my direction before he started to push back.
“I’ll go,” I said, rising to my feet and following after the little boy who had already had such a turbulent life. I knocked on his door, and when I got no answer, I pushed inside.
He was face down on his SpongeBob bed sheets, the unicorn I’d won him on the floor.
I took a seat on the edge of the bed and rubbed his back, heartbroken at his quiet sobs.
“Arlo, I promise I’ll come back and see you.”
At this point, I’d come and see the kid, even if Bellamy and I didn’t work out.
“Every week?” His little voice nearly killed me.
“How about every month,” I said. “But, I’ll bring you presents.”
He flipped over to glare at me. “No.” Then went right back to his pillow.
“And we can hang out on the holidays. Every summer and Christmas and Easter.”
“Still not good enough!”
“We can Facetime every day.”
He sniffled, still refusing to turn over. “Why don’t you love him no more?”
Words got stuck around a lump in my throat. Arlo thought I loved Bellamy--and didn’t kids usually see everything adults refused to see? Shit. Was I in love with him?
It was something I wouldn’t easily admit to myself because then it would mean I needed Bellamy. And I didn’t want to need anyone.
What if I did love him? The boy had never said much more than he liked me, and wanted to screw my brains out. But the way that he made me feel… That made me believe he loved me, even when I didn’t want to. Because love was uncomfortable. It made people vulnerable. And it had the power to destroy everything.
“No, that’s not it,” I said. How did I explain this to a kid where he’d understand? “That school is just far away, so I can’t live here.”
“So, go to Bellamy’s college. So you don’t have to leave us.”
And that thought had plagued me for the last couple of weeks as I’d filled out back up “what if” applications. I told myself it was in case Cornell got wind of my discipline record from Dayton. They’d accepted me before I even got kicked out of Black Mountain, and I guessed my dad paid them to honor that offer after expulsion. Of course, that wasn’t actually the reason I filled out that application to Alabama State, but changing my chosen college for a guy I’d been dating for a couple of months... It was naive. It was absolutely insane.
“We’ll see,” I said.
That made him sit up. He wiped at his nose with his sleeve. “Promise?”
Damn, the kid was killing me. “I promise I’ll think about it,” I said, then I kissed his forehead.
Arlo threw his arms around my neck and told me he loved me.
That was the first time I’d heard those words from another person and felt like they meant it--
And that was soul-destroying.
Later that night, I laid in Bellamy’s bed, staring at the ceiling. My chest was still raw with emotions.
A sliver of light spilled into the room from the hallway when he cracked the door and crept in.
“He made me read that dumb book about the snoring man ten times before he fell asleep,” he said.
Even on the nights Carol was home, Arlo insisted Bellamy be the one to read him his bedtime story. He said Bellamy did the best voices.
“He also said he needs a phone to Facetime you if you move.” He tugged his jeans off before climbing into bed. “He said you told him you might stay…”
He dragged me onto his bare chest. I rested my palm over his chest, feeling the steady beat of his heart. “The kid strong-armed me.” It was half a lie. “I said I’d think about it.”
We were graduating tomorrow, and as much as I was ready to be done with school and controlling adults, I wasn’t ready to face the fork in the road that had magically appeared in front of me.
Bellamy exhaled, staring up at the ceiling as he swept his hand through my hair.
I knew it bothered him, but he would never say anything. That wasn’t how Bellamy worked.