Total pages in book: 120
Estimated words: 111610 (not accurate)
Estimated Reading Time in minutes: 558(@200wpm)___ 446(@250wpm)___ 372(@300wpm)
Estimated words: 111610 (not accurate)
Estimated Reading Time in minutes: 558(@200wpm)___ 446(@250wpm)___ 372(@300wpm)
Their team is also wearing matching pink shirts that proclaim ‘Cucumbers belong in salad, ask me for something better’ amid a display of various Bedroom Heaven vibes and dildos. They’re hooting and hollering, loudly talking about wetting the bed from one particular toy, the Suckasaurus Max.
“I needed a Gatorade, a cigarette, and a wipe down before round two, but you can bet I went back for more,” what seems to be the lead saleswoman overshares as she nods enthusiastically. "But if you get the Max, also get the waterproof towel. You’ll want it to protect your mattress and so you don’t have to strip the whole bed every time. Less laundry means more Max time.”
I’m glad they’re having fun, making sales, and getting pleasure from the various toys, but their vibe isn’t exactly what I’m hoping for. Thankfully, there are plenty of customers who like a more low-key approach to discussing their preferences, and I make several sales amid actual sexual health conversations in which I don’t use the phrase ‘ram a lotta ding-dong’ a single time. Unlike my sales neighbors.
Hours pass, and I lose count of how many toys we sell. All I know is that it’s a bunch. Including one quite literal bunch—a connected chain of balls that you insert vaginally and, as your inner muscles flex, they roll around inside, creating a pleasurable sensation. Jaxx sold that one to a forty-something-year-old woman who said they’re going to be part of her Tantric sex practice.
Honestly, it’s pretty amazing the variety of women, toys, and sex lives all contained in this one room.
At the front of the room, someone taps on a microphone, calling out, “Ladies! Can I get your attention, please!”
I look up, where I see a woman who looks like a porn star turned news anchor. Her platinum blonde hair is voluminous, extension-long, and perfectly curled, her makeup is dramatic, with several shades of glittery eyeshadow and fake lashes, and her professional dress is virtually painted over clearly enhanced breasts and a round peach of an ass that makes me want to hit the gym for some weighted squats. She’s beaming, which should seem friendly and welcoming but rather seems like she’s barely biting back her desire to tell us all to ‘shut the hell up and listen’ to her.
“Who’s that?” I ask Jaxx.
“Shh, that’s April. She’s the regional representative,” she whispers. “Basically, our big boss.”
“Welcome to yet another successful quarterly Bedroom Heaven regional conference!” April squeals, hyping the crowd up.
Cheers fill the room, and I clap along politely with everyone. As it fades, April continues.
“This quarter was yet another record-breaking one for us, with sales growing exponentially, and more and more joining the Bedroom Heaven family.”
She keeps going, giving some hype numbers that make Bedroom Heaven seem like the Amazon of sex toys, mixed in with a little rah-rah stuff to keep everyone dreaming big. She’s good at it, and I wonder if she was a pageant girl, a cheerleader, or both in her younger days. But though my initial impression was that April is a bit ‘look at me’, the more she talks, the more genuine she seems. She’s hyped because she actually wants BH to do well and wants to share everyone’s successes, so they get praise too.
“I don’t want to be up here all night when we all know what goodies will actually keep you up all night,” April teases saucily, getting laughs, “but I can’t leave without giving some well-deserved recognition to our top producers this quarter. So, let’s give a round of applause to Gennifer Dennis, Layla Johnson, and Mimi Chen! Way to go, ladies!”
There’s applause again, and I join in. I haven’t met these women, but apparently, they’re moving some dicks.
“Most of all, I’d like to give a big shout out to our top regional producer, and one of the top ten reps in the country . . . Kara Jones! Give it up for Kara, yeah, babe! Whoooooo!”
Everyone cheers as April waves for Kara to come on stage. Kara strides across the room confidently, smiling at everyone as she makes her way to April’s side. Next to me, Jaxx almost swoons as she sputters, “Holy shit.”
“What is that?” I ask, not sure what I’m looking at. A trophy, maybe? Or a penis-shaped side table?
“The Diamond Dick,” Jaxx whispers. “Obviously not a real diamond, it’s crystal glass or quartz or something, but it’s a huge award. In more ways than one.” Her typically deadpan expression is lit up like a Christmas tree, her eyes sparkling and teeth flashing as she claps excitedly for her aunt.
I get it. Kinda. I mean, Kara’s running a successful boss babe business, but she’s also getting congratulated for . . . selling dick. Fake dick, but still. I guess I just never thought my career path would have a Diamond Dick on it.