Total pages in book: 65
Estimated words: 59231 (not accurate)
Estimated Reading Time in minutes: 296(@200wpm)___ 237(@250wpm)___ 197(@300wpm)
Estimated words: 59231 (not accurate)
Estimated Reading Time in minutes: 296(@200wpm)___ 237(@250wpm)___ 197(@300wpm)
I didn’t want to entertain negative thoughts, especially with baby Leo depending on both of us. I didn’t want to focus on the worst-case scenario and let it ruin what was a beautiful relationship. But that was the problem. It was a beautiful relationship when he was there, but when he wasn’t he was simply missing. And I couldn’t get over the idea that he was hiding something from me.
Rocking Leo in the chair Ryan had bought, I tried to think of alternate reasons that he could be distant that weren’t the reasons my brain immediately jumped to. Reasons that would not only explain what he was doing but why he was being so secretive. So distant.
Another thought popped in my mind, and I immediately wished it hadn’t. What if Ryan was having his own health issues? It would explain the distance and the hushed calls if he were visiting a doctor regularly and trying to get something taken care of without letting me know because it would frighten me.
I tried not to think about what that would mean if he was sick. Having a baby was scary and exciting and stressful. But one of the reasons I was able to handle it as well as I had so far was because Ryan had been there every step of the way. What if he was suddenly gone? Or if he slowly deteriorated and I ended up trying to care for both of them? In my heart, I knew I would do it. I loved him, and I would try to take care of him the best I could. But it was a daunting thought and combined with being a new mom on top of it, it was a thought that made me terrified if I let it sit too long.
So I shook it off. Not fully, obviously. It still hung out in the deep recesses of my mind in a room I tried to keep locked away and never opened the door to. But it was there.
I tried to think of something else, anything else it could be. But the ones that kept coming up were ones I didn’t want to think about either.
What if he were rethinking our relationship? Everything that happened between us had happened so incredibly fast. It was understandable that he might want to take a step back and assess it. He was the father, and nothing could change that, but he might not want to be a present one. Or maybe he did, but he didn’t think he particularly wanted to do so with me.
I struggled with how I felt about it. Clearly, I would be upset that he didn’t feel the way I did about him. But as much as it would break my heart, the important thing to remember was that I could do it on my own if I had to. If he needed a little break, something to give him the space to really think things out and decide if this was for him or not, I had the means of surviving.
I had a job, a house, and a car. Sure, the job didn’t pay much, and the house was still in the process of being repaired, and the car was a piece of junk that was three steps from being put in the yard. If I had to guess, it probably only had a few more months in it, and that was if I was lucky. But my credit was pretty good, and the loan I got for the house was being paid off regularly and quickly, so I probably could swing a small car loan for something reliable if I had to.
Leo and I would be just fine on our own if we had to. I would do anything in my power to make sure he had a fantastic life and would support him if it meant working twice as hard. It would be heart-wrenching and terrible to be without Ryan, but if it wasn’t going to work out with us, I would make sure I did what I could to make it so Leo never suffered whether Ryan helped or not.
I was never going to give up on the bed and breakfast dream, even if I had to put it on pause for a while. With Leo now in my life, it might mean that I would have to put every dollar and every ounce of my energy into him, but I would eventually get a chance. If I worked hard enough, for long enough, I could make it happen. I had already worked so hard and gone through so much. Giving up my dream just wasn’t something I could do.
Coming to Murdock was a fresh start. It had started with a few stumbles, and had it not been for Ryan, I would have been in a far worse place those first days. But it was still a fresh start, and I wasn’t going to lose sight of that.