Total pages in book: 148
Estimated words: 135517 (not accurate)
Estimated Reading Time in minutes: 678(@200wpm)___ 542(@250wpm)___ 452(@300wpm)
Estimated words: 135517 (not accurate)
Estimated Reading Time in minutes: 678(@200wpm)___ 542(@250wpm)___ 452(@300wpm)
I was ready to see some semblance of myself in his words, but I was in no way prepared for the number the song did on me. “Are you crying? Why are you crying?”
“Because he sounds so sad and alone.” And it broke my heart.
Why was he saying this now after all this time had gone by? And why does he sound so broken? I started to hyperventilate, which scared the crap out of my friend, who started apologizing as she tried to turn the song off as if it wasn’t already imprinted in my brain.
Every word played itself over and over again in my head as I searched for new meaning. Maybe it was about something else; maybe he was pouring his heart out like that for someone else. But who? He was already married to the one he supposedly loved. He’d spent years assuring the public that he’d chosen the one he wanted, something that had made me spiral once again into a mental health crisis, but we’re not going to revisit that catastrophe.
It was right after my album and the beginning of my tour when it all started. Day after day, there was another new post crapping all over me and what we once shared. I wasn’t supposed to be looking at any of that stuff, but I was like a moth to a flame, just as I had been after the incident, pain diving, trauma seeking, whatever you want to call it.
I’d seen it all, saw the way his wife and her friends laughed at me. That was hard enough to swallow, but the things he himself had posted were the most horrible. He’d made a mockery of our love. Laying claim to the fact that he’d cheated on me with her while we were together. Something I had always worried about back then when I heard the rumors, but something he’d always reassured me about.
Now it was all out there for the whole world to see, and I was once again the laughingstock of our community. It was one of the things that had driven me to make the documentary, to share my side of the story. And now this, just days after the documentary had been released, I’ve had my heart ripped out of my chest once more.
“Breathe, Elena, it’s going to be okay. Should I get one of your pills?” I shook my head no. I never want to become attached to those things. I don’t want to run to chemicals each time I have an episode, though I know that they’re needed. Especially those times when my mind turns against me.
They’re of great help, the pills, but they also leave me feeling a bit groggy, not to mention the weight gain, which is one of the more bothersome side effects. “Why am I still so hurt by this? Why do I still care about him so much? Shouldn’t I be over this already?”
“Okay, I know in the beginning I said all that shit, but it’s taken me this long and watching your documentary over and over again to get it. You love him; you really, genuinely love him the way only you can. And that love doesn’t just stop because he’s a fuck up, and you know why? Because he’s always been a fuck up. You just happened to see that and know that and yet were able to see all of his other qualities.”
“You loved all of him, not just the good parts, and that is why you’re still so invested to this day. You’re one of those people who keep coming back for more, no matter how rough it gets. The difference is that this time, you worked on yourself first, so now you know that you couldn’t fix him or anyone else while you, too, were broken.”
“No one can fault you for your love. I won’t let them. There’s no shame in giving your all to someone you love, but you won’t go back to that girl who hid herself away as if she’d done something wrong. You did nothing wrong; you did nothing to be ashamed of. And this song, as much as I hate his fucking guts, is beautiful. And there’s not a deaf man, woman, or child anywhere who doesn’t know that it was for you.”
“Okay, I’m better; you can stop lying now.”
“Which part was a lie?”
“Since when have you ever had anything good to say about Ryder?”
“You know me; I give credit where it’s due.” She went silent and gazed off into space, but it was obvious that there was something on her mind.
“So, now that we’re here, what do you think this means?”
“What does what mean?”
“This song, his words, what’s he up to now?”
“Beats me! I know one thing, she must be losing her shit. Which means I can look forward to more of her bullshit. Have you noticed a pattern? Every time there’s anything about him, she always goes on the attack. Why is she still so pressed about me? I’ve been out of his life and pretty much out of the picture for four years.”