Total pages in book: 148
Estimated words: 135517 (not accurate)
Estimated Reading Time in minutes: 678(@200wpm)___ 542(@250wpm)___ 452(@300wpm)
Estimated words: 135517 (not accurate)
Estimated Reading Time in minutes: 678(@200wpm)___ 542(@250wpm)___ 452(@300wpm)
However much I knew that it was dangerous to do so in front of this bunch, tonight, I couldn’t help myself, not after the look I’d seen in Ryder’s eyes. I could almost see her reflection there even though she wasn’t in the room and hadn’t been anywhere near him since he put his ring on my finger.
For the first time, I felt my hold on him slipping, and it left me feeling wild and out of control, the way I always feel when she’s involved. It had been quite some time since I’d had this feeling, though. I thought after we got married, it would be over; this sick feeling of loss and being alone even when the one I wanted was right there next to me, but it has only grown worse.
Now, the fun we’d had behind her back when they were together was gone, and all I felt was his hate from him. Hate and disgust, as if the very sight of me annoys him. It terrifies me to think about it, but I know I’ve seen real hate in his eyes and heard it in his voice when we talked, and it started the day we got married.
I’ll never forget that dead cold look he’d given me immediately after the vows were exchanged. It was almost as if, for a second, he’d known the truth, and I’d never felt so much fear and dread before and after until tonight. That same look had been there again as if somehow the drugs had cleared for a minute, and he knew the truth.
When I first saw it on our wedding day, I’d looked around at the others, my family and friends, to see if anyone else had noticed, but they were all laughing and smiling, all so proud of me for finally getting him there to the altar. No one seemed to have noticed his shift in gaze, and by the time I looked back at him again, the look was gone, but I knew what I saw.
I’ve been trying all this time to shut it out, to turn things around, but to no avail, it seems, if tonight’s episode was anything to go by. It made no sense; he wanted me when we were running around behind her back or those times when he came to me when they were taking a break from each other, so why hasn’t he touched me in the three years since we’ve been married?
Why has he been keeping me at arm’s length all this time? He’s been doing the bare minimum, only keeping up the end of the bargain that I’d had to beg and plead with him for, that he didn’t embarrass me in public, and that we always showed the world a united front, not only for my image but his as well.
The fact that he was always high had helped with that a little, but somehow, the drugs were no longer working as well as they used to. Even though I knew he was still under my control somewhat, something had changed.
I reminded myself to talk to his doctor in the morning to see about upping the dosage, still not understanding how he could’ve beaten the effects to this point. He, too, had lost his composure and let his mask come all the way off when he had been so careful not to before.
Sure, the drugs helped in that regard. While he was high and out of the loop, it was easier to control him; he was easier to manage. So what happened tonight? Why was he able to pull himself together enough to get behind the wheel, and that look in his eyes, did that mean it was over?
No, I can’t lose him now. Not after all that I had gone through to bring us together. But that coldness, I can still feel it, like shivers down my spine. There was such hate and venom in that one look before he walked away that my head was still spinning. Why had he changed in the blinking of an eye?
There’d been no warning, no leadup to his outburst, and I could think of only one explanation for it. As always, there could be only one reason for that, her. Elena Gianni, the bane of my existence. I’ve never hated anyone as much as I hate her. Why does he still like her so much when I’m better in every way?
I’m prettier; at least all my friends say so. I’m thinner and taller; I’m all the things I made myself into just for him. I’d spent years, ever since I first saw him backstage at one of my dad’s interviews, and had fallen in love, making myself ready for the day he would be mine.
I didn’t know then how I was going to do it. He was older than me, of course, and I was too young to date anyone, but that day I knew, and that knowledge has been the center of my existence ever since. We were meant to be; I was and still am convinced of that. Even though he’d dated many others throughout the time it took me to grow up, I never let it bother me because I knew that was the way of Hollywood.