Total pages in book: 39
Estimated words: 36122 (not accurate)
Estimated Reading Time in minutes: 181(@200wpm)___ 144(@250wpm)___ 120(@300wpm)
Estimated words: 36122 (not accurate)
Estimated Reading Time in minutes: 181(@200wpm)___ 144(@250wpm)___ 120(@300wpm)
He needed to be brave if he was going to make that happen. And pants. He needed pants. Pants first. Then courage. And maybe some luck too. But he wasn’t going to be able to sleep without knowing he’d tried.
Chapter Thirteen
Russ couldn’t sleep. A hot shower didn’t help, didn’t chase away the awful emptiness in the pit of his stomach, the feeling that he’d made a mistake. Maybe he should have settled for what Esteban was willing to offer him. Maybe being casual with Esteban was better than being without him. Maybe if he simply hung around long enough, Esteban would be willing to admit…
No. He couldn’t think like that. He was worth more than that. They both were. Being willing to settle had gotten him into this mess in the first place—Soren, work, his social life or lack thereof. He’d been willing to settle for what life brought him. And no more. He was fighting for that promotion. He was going to go out and get the life he wanted, including Esteban. He was going to battle for them.
Deep down, Esteban felt the same way. It was there in every look, in all his advice, in the long conversations and short texts. He cared. He did. Russ wished he could give Esteban some of his own courage.
But achieving certainty about Esteban had been a process. Esteban seemed to think Russ was bouncing into a relationship with him because of his breakup with Soren. What Russ felt, though, what he knew for sure after spending these last few weeks with Esteban, was that he and Esteban fit. Like cabinets sliding into place in the perfect space, everything working together to create something functional and beautiful. He’d started out wanting to design Esteban a kitchen, but now he could visualize a life, all the ways they could maximize each other’s needs and empty spaces.
And in the morning, he was going to tell Esteban all of that. Because he wasn’t letting this go. Not yet. He couldn’t make Esteban love him back, but he could lay it all out there, admit there was no halfway to his feelings. He was all-in, and he wasn’t afraid of those feelings. It would be too easy to simply drift apart, let this argument be the end of all their potential, and he refused to let that happen. In the morning—
Knock-knock.
He was pretty sure who was at his door at this hour, but he still checked the peephole. Yup, it was Esteban, looking rather rumpled in sweats, a far cry from his usual stylish self.
“No coat?” Frowning, he opened the door, ushered Esteban in.
“I was hopeful you wouldn’t make me stand outside all night.” Esteban offered a crooked grin that didn’t reach his hesitant eyes.
“Maybe I should.” Now that Esteban was actually here, Russ was surprised to find himself more than a little irritated. He was putting them both through so much needless stress all because he was convinced that Russ was on the rebound, a concept Russ wasn’t even sure actually existed.
“You’re mad.” Esteban didn’t sound that shocked. “Which is probably what I deserve. But…is it too late to change your mind?”
“No.” Russ had a feeling that he couldn’t stay angry at Esteban even if it was justified. “I mean, it is late. And we should both be sleeping, but I can’t seem to settle down, so yeah, I’ll listen.”
“I’m sorry. I hurt you. You were right—I’m being a coward here.”
“Don’t get me wrong, I’m scared too. I’ve never felt like this before. I meant that.”
“I know you did.” Esteban touched his arm, a tentative gesture that made more of Russ’s ire dissipate. “I never doubted your sincerity—for right now, the present. It’s more the future I worry about. I just…I’ve been burned before. Thought it was real and lasting and been wrong.”
“I’m not your ex.” Voice still hard, Russ met his gaze.
“No, you’re not. And you’re right—I’m not giving you a chance to prove that. Not giving us a chance to prove me wrong. I wasn’t being brave. Not like you.” Esteban kept his hand on Russ’s biceps, stroking lightly.
“I’m not that brave. Maybe I should have tried actually talking to you prior to meeting Soren. Then the timing would be better—”
“Or maybe the timing is never going to be perfect—”
“Hey now—”
“I don’t mean never. I mean maybe perfect doesn’t exist. There’s always distractions and complications and obstacles. If not the whole rebound thing, it would be something else. Some other excuse for me to cling to instead of taking a chance with you.”
“And that’s what you want?” Finally letting hope rush through him, Russ’s pulse sped up.
“Yeah, it is.” Esteban’s face softened, eyes tender and mouth curving in a way that made Russ want to kiss him. “I want to try. Because I do care about you. A lot. And I don’t want to live with a bunch of regrets when I could have you—for however long.”