Total pages in book: 84
Estimated words: 77841 (not accurate)
Estimated Reading Time in minutes: 389(@200wpm)___ 311(@250wpm)___ 259(@300wpm)
Estimated words: 77841 (not accurate)
Estimated Reading Time in minutes: 389(@200wpm)___ 311(@250wpm)___ 259(@300wpm)
Chapter 38
Raya
I don't feel an ounce of guilt for the sob story I gave Roxanne that made it possible for me to leave the house alone. The three weeks since my return has felt longer than the twenty-two years before. I have no doubt the woman will lose her job for helping me, but I can't concern myself about it right now. My bodyguards have once again grown lax in watching me and I've been biding my time until now.
I've done my best to pretend that everything is normal. From the outside looking in, it would appear that I'm recovering well despite earlier thoughts. My father hasn't scheduled any interviews. He's afraid of what I'll tell the media.
I argued with Liam when he told me my options. I refuse to put myself in a position that would land him in prison but I also couldn’t imagine telling the truth. I knew what that would do to my father and his campaign. Staying away from Liam for any period of time was never my intention.
I needed to clear my head. I needed a little space. I needed to gather the courage to confront him and call him out on his lies. The first week back home, I almost started to believe what he said, but it was my mother's voice in my ears saying those words not his. It doesn't matter if he was telling the truth or not.
I knew staying in that house, being involved in that vicious circle that's required for my father's political career, wasn't an option. Even in captivity, I found my first taste of freedom and I'm unwilling to give that up.
Liam had pointed out the bugs on the wall and the shitty bed and the crappy motel room as if it were a deterrent, as if that’s all I needed to walk away. What he had no idea of knowing is that I would choose that any day over going back to my house with the spacious interiors and manicured lawns.
He made me a different person. There are times that I despise him for that but waking up every day in a house where there's no care or consideration for others, where no one is concerned about the wellbeing of anyone but my father, isn't an option.
In the weeks I was with Liam, I spent time wondering what my return home would be like. Those first couple of days, I was disillusioned. As time passed, I was better able to accept the truth of what my life was like. I'm no longer under the illusion that my parents care for me past what I can do for them, and after what I did today before leaving, returning home will never be an option.
I wouldn't risk my father's career by telling the full truth, by admitting who I had become. But that's exactly what I did. It could backfire. It could be a mistake. But the one thing I know for sure is that he's worth the risk.
It didn't stop my hands from shaking as I typed out the story. It didn't stop the tears from flowing down my cheeks, but I wasn't crying at all that I was losing. I felt relief at the possibility of living a different life even if it meant in the end I couldn't have him. The story I wrote was an insurance plan. I made sure it was very clear that I was of sound mind and body when I wrote it. I didn't want the facts being misconstrued or manipulated to fit my father's narrative.
I didn't feel the need to say goodbye to either of them before I left the house. I didn't need the opportunity to give them one last chance to be decent. Their track records prove that they're not capable.
I keep going back to the way he watched me when we made love. It's the only thing that's given me the strength to do all of this. I wasn't his toy or a plaything. In that moment, I was his entire world. I need him to know that he means the same to me.
I shove down the possibility that he could have been telling me the truth in that motel room. That he didn't want me. That he was just using me. That every interaction we shared from the time he took me on the beach until the day he pushed me away was because he felt something for me. If I find him and he wants me, I don't think I would ever be happier than in that moment. If he rejects me again, at least I'll know the truth.
What I know now that I struggled with in the past is that my value and self-worth isn't reliant on anyone else. I've created my own misery over the years by not standing up for myself. I'm no longer that woman. I can only hope that what he did was a tactic to get me to walk away because he wasn't strong enough to leave me. In hurting me, he was protecting me.