Total pages in book: 89
Estimated words: 86857 (not accurate)
Estimated Reading Time in minutes: 434(@200wpm)___ 347(@250wpm)___ 290(@300wpm)
Estimated words: 86857 (not accurate)
Estimated Reading Time in minutes: 434(@200wpm)___ 347(@250wpm)___ 290(@300wpm)
I wait for him to return his attention to me, and I offer a sad smile. “Colten.”
He deflates when I don’t take part in his distraction. Then he shrugs a shoulder, neutral expression. “It’s my turn.”
I chuckle, shaking my head. “Your turn to be the bossy one, huh?”
Stupid childhood promise.
“After you broke your arm, you said I could be the bossy one in approximately twenty years. It’s been twenty-one years since you promised me control. It’s past due.”
Colten nods. He’s wearing such a serious expression. It’s a brave one.
“There was an asterisk with fine print. Did you read it when I made that promise to you? I think it said the agreement was null and void if it was discovered that either one of us was a murderer in another life.”
“Reagan will be our flower girl.” The hint of a smile pulls at his lips. “She’ll be ecstatic. Katy said she loved being a flower girl at her wedding.”
He has no idea how thin the thread holding me together is. I’m not sure how many more mornings I will be able to justify waking up, breathing in and out, and existing in this “Vita Atonement.” I can’t plan this wedding. I can’t find an ounce of enthusiasm for his storm shelter discovery.
“I took little girls like Reagan, shaved their heads, and I killed them.”
Colten winces. “Shut up. Just … don’t ever say that again.”
“Look at you,” I whisper, refocusing on his chest. “You couldn’t fuck me hard enough last night. I felt nothing while shredding your skin.” I slowly turn so he can see the back of my arms. “I didn’t feel this either. I’m dead inside. I’ve always been dead inside.” I turn back around. “All this time, I’ve been pretending. I even fooled myself into thinking that I could be a little normal, a little humane.”
“I’m not walking away.”
“I’m not giving you a choice.” I tip my chin up, jaw set.
He grunts a laugh and pivots. “I have to work.”
I don’t move. Maybe I can’t. Or maybe my idleness is symbolic of standing my ground. Really shaky ground.
Minutes later, Colten emerges from the bedroom with his white shirt untucked and partially buttoned and his tie in hand. He’s the sexiest man I have ever seen. I think his presence in my life is the biggest catalyst for my life reparation. I took what mattered most to other people in that other life, and in this one, I will have to give up what matters most to me.
“I love you,” he says. “And I’ll see you later.” He bends to kiss me.
I take a step backward, averting my gaze to the floor.
He releases a soft sigh. “I’m never leaving you again.”
I know this. I believe him. I will be the one to leave him.
After my front door clicks shut behind him, I pad my way to it and flip the deadbolt. Colten Mosely will not step foot in my house again unless it’s to remove my lifeless body from it.
CHAPTER SIX
“I can’t be your boyfriend ever again,” I said the day after Josie got her cast.
She handed me a Sharpie to sign it and rolled her eyes while we sat at the kitchen table. Her mom was putting Benji down for a nap, and her dad was still at work. “Because I broke my arm?”
I signed her cast. The first signature. “No. Because your dad said I can’t ever kiss you again, and what’s the point of being your boyfriend if I can’t kiss you?”
She snorted. “You’re not seriously listening to my dad.”
“I am. I am very seriously listening to your dad.” I capped the marker and handed it back to her. “He’s going to talk to my dad about teaching me to use a rifle.”
“Your mom is never going to let you use a gun. She hates guns.”
“No, she doesn’t.”
Josie eyes me. “Um … yeah, she does.”
“How do you know that?”
“Because of Columbine. She still talks to my mom about it. And I overheard her saying to my mom that she hates guns. She used those exact words.”
“Your dad is the chief of police. I think she’ll let him teach me.”
“She won’t.” Josie shrugged like her two words ended our discussion.
“I’m still asking her.”
“Go ahead.” She hopped off the stool and grabbed the Tupperware container of cookies, hugging it to her while peeling off the lid with her good hand before offering me one.
“I could have opened that for you.”
“I’m not helpless.” She wasn’t. Never had been, never would be.
“If I broke my arm, I’d let you do everything for me. Do my homework. Feed me. Tie my shoes. Carry my schoolbag …”
Josie’s pouty lips turned downward. I responded with a huge, chocolate-chip-cookie grin. I had no shame in my game.
“My grandma said she’d rather die than have people take care of her. She’s really smart, and she thinks I’m just like her.” Josie twisted her lips. “It’s weird to think that death is better than letting someone help you. But if I am like her, then maybe someday I’ll choose death over someone feeling sorry for me and doing stuff for me. My other grandma got sick, and she has to wear adult diapers. My grandpa helps her change them. It’s really nice of him, but still … I bet she feels embarrassed.”