Total pages in book: 89
Estimated words: 86857 (not accurate)
Estimated Reading Time in minutes: 434(@200wpm)___ 347(@250wpm)___ 290(@300wpm)
Estimated words: 86857 (not accurate)
Estimated Reading Time in minutes: 434(@200wpm)___ 347(@250wpm)___ 290(@300wpm)
“Josie, I don’t know if anyone’s existence in the world is necessary. It’s life. The good, the bad, and the ugly.”
I can’t stop thinking about the woman in red. “She’s beautiful,” I say. “The woman. They were clearly going someplace nice. They were way too dressed up for ‘just friends.’ In his head, I died. And I did die. Do I think six months is a little early to be dating someone new?” I shrug. “I don’t know. My memory is so messed-up. I’m having trouble sensing time. Six weeks. Six months. Six years. It’s all about the same to me.”
“How did it make you feel when you saw the other woman? Were you angry then?”
“I was surprised to see him. She was an afterthought. And I think …” I sigh. “I think it brought back memories of all the times he was with some other girl when we were younger. I got so used to being silently jealous and irrationally angry. I never felt good enough for him, and it had nothing to do with him. Colten never made me feel anything short of the most special person in the room. But I felt different than the other girls. He was so talented, and everyone adored him. It was easy to want him yet feel inadequate, like he deserved someone better than me.”
“That’s sad, Josie.”
I nod. “It was sad. Inadequacy is a soul-robbing emotion. It was then, and it is now. When we were younger, it took me a while to feel like he wasn’t being my friend or my boyfriend because I was the default girl next door or the chief’s daughter. And no sooner did I let that feeling of inadequacy fall away, he let me go. Seventeen years passed, and we were back in each other’s lives. I didn’t need anyone to tell me that I hated him. I remember all too well. I also didn’t need anyone to tell me that I still love him. I remember that all too well. So this second chance at being with him gets trampled by, yet again, something else that spirals me back into that soul-robbing feeling of inadequacy. Fuck my life. Really … just fuck my life.”
“Are you saying he’s no longer interested? No longer in love with you?”
“He loves me,” I whisper. “He’s hardwired to love me. I know this. But sometimes we’re hardwired to do things that aren’t in our best interest. Some would say addiction like alcoholism is something hardwired within people. So sure … Colten loves me. He’d leave the pretty girl from last night to be with me. But who am I? I’ll tell you. I’m a mutated version of my original self. I’m a salvaged vehicle. I don’t know if I’ll ever be mentally the same. Or physically the same. He’s …”
I laugh despite the pain. “Colten is so sexy. In his prime. Virile. And deserving of a woman who …” I shrug. “A woman who looks like a gift from God in a red dress with magnificent heels and long flowing hair. He doesn’t need, nor does he deserve, someone who can’t climb the stairs. She has sexy shoes. I have a walker. Which one do you think gives a guy an erection?”
“I highly doubt he saw you last night and thought, ‘There’s the love of my life. Finally, I can get a proper erection.’”
I snort, staring out my window at the congested sidewalks. It feels inappropriate given the events of the last twenty-four hours—or the last year for that matter. But I can’t help it. It feels good.
“He was hours, minutes, from promising to love you through sickness and health. You are getting better, Josie. You will continue to improve. Do you know how many times Felix has said you’re a miracle?”
I scoff. “It’s a miracle that I survived death twice. I am not miraculously using a walker. Not miraculously piecing together memories or thoughts. Not miraculously trying to find myself again. All of that is nothing short of a tragedy that could have been avoided had I just left my wedding and left this world for good. He just …” My voice fades into a whisper. “He deserves the red dress and heels.”
That strong, wide-shouldered, handsome, virile man comes to the door at three. I watch out the front window like I’m fourteen and my dad is letting me go on my first date.
“I’m proud of you for remembering our address,” Izzy says, sneaking up behind me.
“I didn’t. Colten is a detective. Felix introduced himself.”
“For someone who doesn’t feel adequate, you didn’t hesitate to pack an overnight bag.” Izzy picks up said overnight bag.
Pushing my walker toward the door, I frown. “I told you; he’s hardwired to love me. He thinks I belong with him. It’s going to take a while for him to see that I no longer fit. That I can’t give him what he deserves … what he wants even if he can’t see it clearly now.”