Total pages in book: 89
Estimated words: 86857 (not accurate)
Estimated Reading Time in minutes: 434(@200wpm)___ 347(@250wpm)___ 290(@300wpm)
Estimated words: 86857 (not accurate)
Estimated Reading Time in minutes: 434(@200wpm)___ 347(@250wpm)___ 290(@300wpm)
Really, I think I’m on the verge of a bromance with Sean. He just … gets me.
After the game, Reagan gives an enthusiastic yes to going to the museum with Nora, so I shoot Layla a text.
“I think you should go with her.” Katy says. “In all seriousness, it might be too early to send our daughter off with someone you met a week ago for all of two seconds.”
I give her a tight grin and a slight nod.
The girls jump from one exhibit to the next with Layla and I close behind them. This feels normal, like something I should be doing. It also feels wrong. I should be here with Josie.
“Say it,” Layla says.
I glance over at her. “Say what?”
“All the things going through your head.”
“What makes you think anything is going through my head?”
“Because I keep thinking, what if someone I know sees me with you? Will they think I have a boyfriend? Will they think I’ve moved on? Will they tell anyone? And then I think, what would Joe think? Then, of course, my mind wanders into really depressing territory. Joe died. He will never think anything again. So the real question is, what am I thinking? And when I can’t answer that question because I really don’t know what to think or what to feel, I wonder what you’re thinking. You lost your fiancée more recently than I lost my husband.”
My cheeks puff with a big breath before I slowly release it. “You are further along than I am. I’m still stuck in the ‘I wish she were here’ phase. I guess that makes me terrible company. Who wants to hang out with someone who is wishing they were with someone else?”
“You’re right. It’s early for you. I still have times when I’d give anything for Joe to be here to see something or experience something with me. But he’s been gone long enough that I no longer have moments when I think it’s nothing but a bad dream. I’m fully aware that he’s gone. I’m consciously moving forward, not merely drifting along. Does that make sense?”
“I think so,” I nod slowly.
“So now my brain has started to wander into other directions, somewhat prompted by my family urging me to date. And while this is not a date or anything at all like that, you are a man, and what we’re doing feels weird even though we’re not doing anything.”
I don’t respond right away, so an awkward silence fills the air around us while we stare at the girls doing a water race.
“That was the dumbest thing a human has ever said.” Layla snorts, covering her face with her hands. “Kill me now.”
I chuckle and shake my hand. “You forget I hear a lot of terrible alibis, so you have a ways to go before you’re saying the dumbest thing ever. I should have responded right away, but I was letting your words settle, maybe resonate.”
“Well…” her hands drop from her face “…that’s very kind of you to spin it like that.”
“Not kind. Just honest. And if I’m being completely honest with you, I have an unfair advantage at this … whatever this is.”
“An unfair advantage?” She lifts an eyebrow at me.
“When Josie and I were younger, we had a very unusual relationship. We had an on-and-off-again relationship like no other. Then her dad, who I admired and liked more than my own dad, asked me to never be more than friends with her. So when we were being more than friends, we had to keep it a secret. And sometimes I dated other people and so did she. It’s hard to explain. It sounds crazy when I hear myself say it. But I got used to being around other girls even while I knew my heart belonged to Josie and she knew it too. I guess I can be here, not feeling guilty because I know where my heart is.”
Layla hums and nods several times. “I like that. I felt that too. I think I still do, but I feel like there comes a point when you start to feel guilty or maybe a little broken because your heart is what gives you life, and giving so much of it to someone who is no longer in this life feels like …”
“A waste?”
Her nose wrinkles. “It sounds so terrible, but I read it in a book about grieving, and it stuck with me.”
I watch Reagan and think of Josie. She’s not her daughter, but I swear she reminds me of her. The curiosity. The smile. The way she embraces her uniqueness. Not trying to fit in, just trying to make her own space in the world.
“I think losing the love of your life is the biggest self-reflection ever,” I say.
“It’s the me without you.”
I nod. “Yes. And I think it’s possible to reach a silent acquiescence and truly move on. While I don’t want to ever forget, I agree it would be nice if my heart would someday let go … be fully invested again in this life.”