Total pages in book: 75
Estimated words: 70185 (not accurate)
Estimated Reading Time in minutes: 351(@200wpm)___ 281(@250wpm)___ 234(@300wpm)
Estimated words: 70185 (not accurate)
Estimated Reading Time in minutes: 351(@200wpm)___ 281(@250wpm)___ 234(@300wpm)
“You don’t wanna know.” I’m gonna have to get used to him knowing my secret.
JUSTINE
Monique pulled me aside when the kids dragged Marcus and Carl over to their toy chest. “Look, you’re not the only one going through a divorce; those kids soon will be too. You’re an adult; you know your ex is a piece of shit; to them he's still Daddy.”
“I know Gracie has school tomorrow, but fuck school, she’s five. She ain’t learning shit at this age other than how to annoy people. What are you crying about?”
“Who’s crying?” Marcus jumped up from where he was kneeling, looking at one of the kid’s toys.
“Oh shit.” Monique rolled her eyes. “His crazy is on full display today.”
“No one is crying; she got something in her eye.” He didn’t look like he believed her and looked at me. I nodded my head to reassure him and tried not to cry. Once he was distracted by little Emma, she looked at me questioningly and mouthed the word ‘what.’
“You already know my daughters’ names.” She hugged me and then yelled at Marcus to mind his own business when it looked like he was going to come toward us.
“You’re gonna have your hands full with him. I’d call and warn your ex-mother-in-law not to force the issue unless she wanna come up missing.”
Why did I think she was serious? She nodded her head as if reading my thoughts. “It might take him a while to get used to being back here where everything isn’t settled with violence. That’s his love language.”
She cracked herself up with that one, and the two of us ended up howling with laughter, which caused the men to turn to us with suspicious looks, which only made us laugh harder.
After that whole thing with the cops, Marcus was torn about whether or not to spend the night, but in the end, I convinced him to leave. I wasn’t even sure how I was going to explain the divorce to my kids, let alone have them wake up to a strange man in the house.
When I turned my phone back on that night before I went to bed, there were a lot of missed calls and texts from my ex. He started out yelling at me for embarrassing him in front of his peers. Then he started with how he didn’t know what I thought I knew, but I was wrong because he wasn’t having an affair.
By the next day, he was cussing me and calling me out my name, then back to begging me to talk to him so we could get to the bottom of this. I turned my phone back off and went to sleep. I don’t know what’s wrong with me, but I’ve been sleeping like a baby ever since that night.
You’d think I’d be up tossing and turning and wondering where he was because note, even with all the calls and texts, I haven’t seen hide nor hair of him since I kneed him in the balls.
I woke up the next morning waiting for the feeling of fear and anxiety to kick in, but there was none of that. I went downstairs and poured my first cup of coffee before sitting at the kitchen table and looking out the window at the birds that were picking at the seeds in the feeder.
My mind kept wanting to latch onto something, anything that would explain what I was feeling, but there were no words. When I thought of my ex, I didn’t feel burning rage like I did that first night. All I felt was a sense of… I don’t know, relief? Exasperation? I don’t know what to call it.
I wasn’t afraid for me and my kids. I doubt I would’ve been even without Marcus, though it helps tremendously that he’s there. I’ve never been one to let life keep me down for too long, but this was insane even for me.
I couldn’t find one grain of feeling for the man I’d married. What kind of love could just switch off like that? I keep trying to grieve, at least, but I don’t even feel to do that.
You know that feeling you get when you know something’s going to hit you hard later once it settles in? I don’t even have that. It’s as if someone flipped a switch in me, and there’s nothing, just nothing there at all.
Now, my parents raised my siblings and me to be self-sufficient and how to value ourselves, and though that has helped me throughout my life, there were still times when I felt the pain of someone’s betrayal or the pain of losing something in the past. But I couldn’t dredge up any feelings for Paul.
Gracie said he’d taken them to Grandma’s with the lady, and they hadn’t seen him since. This meant he’d had his bitch around my kids, and apparently, it wasn’t the first time because she described knowing Daddy’s friend from before and seeing her at the park with Daddy and again when they went for ice cream.