Total pages in book: 91
Estimated words: 84322 (not accurate)
Estimated Reading Time in minutes: 422(@200wpm)___ 337(@250wpm)___ 281(@300wpm)
Estimated words: 84322 (not accurate)
Estimated Reading Time in minutes: 422(@200wpm)___ 337(@250wpm)___ 281(@300wpm)
A long sigh left his chest, but the wrinkle between his brows softened, like when he weighed that option, he didn’t like it much either.
“I’m so sorry, Jacob,” I cried. “I’m sorry I’m breaking your heart right now. I’m breaking mine, too. But I love you and respect you and care about you far too much to lie to you. I know it’s not easy to hear this, but I think not telling you would be worse. I think you deserve the truth. And I think you deserve a girl who loves you as fiercely as you love her, because you are the most amazing man,” I said, sniffing against a new wave of tears. “And I want you to be happy.”
Jacob nodded, his eyes cast downward. “Just not with you, right?”
I didn’t answer. I didn’t have to.
But it still broke me all the same.
Several minutes of silence passed, but I didn’t rush them. I didn’t try to talk more, because I’d said all that needed to be said, and I didn’t try to end the call, because my heart wanted to hold onto Jacob for as long as it could — as selfish as it was.
When he finally looked at me again, he blew out a slow, steady breath, and nodded once. “Well, it doesn’t seem like I can change your mind, which is maybe what hurts most of all. In most cases, you have the chance to fight for the woman you love when things go south. But this would be a hopeless fight, wouldn’t it?”
My nose stung, tears welling in my eyes.
Another sigh left him. “What if I still come to the wedding?”
I blinked. “What?”
“I know you’re hurting. And as much as you’re breaking my fucking heart,” he choked on emotion with those words, and seeing how torn up he was killed me. “I don’t want you to go through this alone. Let me still fly in tomorrow. I’ll be your plus one, and no one has to know. Then we can fly home together and… I don’t know. We’ll figure it out from there.”
Emotion surged through me again, but this time, it was mostly a sickening sense of unworthiness. How could this man be so good to me, still, even after all I’d confessed? He was still willing to get on a plane and fly out to me after what I’d done to him, just to help me, just to ease my pain.
I shook my head, rolling my lips together as more tears slipped down my cheeks. I was convinced they’d never stop at this point.
“No,” I whispered, but I smiled when I met his gaze again. “That is… the kindest, most selfless thing anyone has ever offered me, but I can’t let you do that. It wouldn’t be fair to you.”
“I wouldn’t mind.”
“You’d be able to be around Tyler, knowing we’d been intimate, without it hurting you?” I challenged.
He didn’t have anything to say to that.
I sighed, reaching out until my fingertips were on the screen. I traced the edges of his jaw, the fair blond of his hair. “I love you, Jacob,” I whispered. “And I am so thankful for the time we’ve had together. And more than anything, I am so sorry for the pain I’m causing. I just hope… I don’t know,” I confessed. “I hope one day we can…”
“Don’t say it,” he said, shaking his head on a grimace. “Don’t tell me you want to be friends, Jaz.”
I nodded, ashamed. “I’m sorry.”
It was all I could offer, and it was absolutely nothing.
“I love you, too, you know?” Jacob said after a long pause. “I hate that you’re doing this, but I could never hate you.” He sighed, shaking his head. “I’m going to miss you, sunshine.”
My face twisted, and I nodded, my voice shaky through the emotion strangling me. “I’ll miss you, too.”
“What are we going to tell our followers?”
It was an attempt to make me laugh, and it worked, though it hurt where it left my chest as I swiped more tears away. “They might be more devastated than us.”
“Never more than me,” Jacob whispered. “Never more than me.”
It was just as painful the rest of the conversation, though neither of us said much more. We agreed to talk again when I was back home, and then we ended the call, and I felt just as bad as I predicted I would.
No, I felt worse.
I wanted to run, but if I went for a run, I’d have to shower. As it was, I still smelled like Tyler, and I didn’t want to wash him off yet. I was still marked by him, still covered in the remnants of his touch, his taste, his entire being.
For one last night, I let myself wrap all of me up in all of him, slipping under the sheets with tears still staining my cheeks and my heart so heavy in my chest, I thought I’d never walk again.