Total pages in book: 91
Estimated words: 84322 (not accurate)
Estimated Reading Time in minutes: 422(@200wpm)___ 337(@250wpm)___ 281(@300wpm)
Estimated words: 84322 (not accurate)
Estimated Reading Time in minutes: 422(@200wpm)___ 337(@250wpm)___ 281(@300wpm)
I sniffed against more tears building, looking at my fingers tangled in my lap.
“And Tyler…”
Just saying his name made my heart shrink in on itself, and every muscle in my face constricted, making me cover it as another wave of emotion rolled over me. When I finally caught my breath, I looked at Jacob, and bless him, he was watching me with furrowed brows not born of anger — but of pain, of sorrow, of understanding.
“I loved him, Jacob,” I admitted. “I still do.”
Jacob swallowed hard but didn’t say a word.
“And I know I’ve told you a little about my past, about how I’ve had my heart broken, how I was hesitant to trust. I told you there was a boy here who had torn me in two, and that I never wanted to come back here. But I never told you why. I never told you who. And I think you and I both know it was because there was still a part of me that held onto Tyler, to this place, to my past that I thought could maybe still be my future. I never wanted to come back here, but then again, I never imagined a possibility that I wouldn’t. It’s like Bridgechester is a black hole, and no matter how hard I fight it, it will pull me back time and time again.” I bit my lip, vision blurring. “I think… I think until I face everything that happened here, every source of pain, every scar that was made… I’ll never be able to move forward.”
It was the worst admission for someone like me, someone who spent every ounce of energy running from the things that cause pain as opposed to facing them. I was so afraid of getting sucked down into a dark depression and never being able to escape it that I was just always running, staying busy, throwing myself into work and travel and filling my life with fun and joy, pretending like the past never happened.
But here it was, latching onto me after years of chasing me, laughing and screaming, “Aha! Gotcha!”
Jacob was quiet for a long time, but he nodded, chewing his lip as he digested what I’d said. “Okay,” he said after a while, his eyes finding mine. “Well, that’s okay. It’s okay that you feel this way. We all have pasts, things that hurt us, things we wish weren’t a part of us. But let me fight these demons with you. I can be the one you talk to about all of it. I can be the one to hold you through the pain.”
My throat was so tight with emotion that I swore I wouldn’t be able to take another breath for as long as I lived. But I managed to swallow, to shake my head, to find his gaze again with a shaky breath. “I wish it were that easy, Jacob.”
“It can be. If you let me in, it can be.”
“I slept with Tyler last night.”
Jacob’s head snapped back at the words, like I’d reached through the screen and slapped him.
I might as well have.
“I see.”
“I’m so sorry,” I whispered, wishing I could reach out and touch him, but knowing I didn’t have the right to. “I wish I could tell you it was a mistake, that I regretted it, that it was never supposed to happen. But that would be a lie, and I can’t lie to you anymore. I can’t lie to myself anymore.”
Something of a laugh came from Jacob’s nose. “So, you’re with him now? Is that your big plan to face your past — to fuck the guy who broke your heart?”
I winced at the accusation, but I wasn’t angry.
I deserved it.
“No,” I whispered. “We’re not together. He… he has a girlfriend. And she’s here now. And…” I shook my head, because I was getting off on a tangent Jacob didn’t need to hear. “It was a mistake.”
“You just said it wasn’t a mistake, so which is it?”
I shook my head, squeezing my eyes shut and pressing my fingertips into my temple. “I don’t know. It was a mistake for him, but not for me. Or maybe not for him, either, but… Tyler and I can’t be together. Not now. We had our chance, and it didn’t work, and I refuse to break even more hearts than those that have already been broken.”
“Except mine, right?” he asked with a scoff. “I guess I’m the collateral damage you don’t mind having in this whole situation?”
“What else can I do?” I asked, stretching my arms out toward him. “Would you rather me have lied to you? Would you rather have gotten on that plane tomorrow and flown here and never known that I slept with the best man in the wedding? Would you rather me go home with you to California and just pretend these two weeks never happened, that I never woke up to all the shit I’ve been hiding from, that I didn’t completely change into someone I don’t even recognize anymore?”