Total pages in book: 95
Estimated words: 92708 (not accurate)
Estimated Reading Time in minutes: 464(@200wpm)___ 371(@250wpm)___ 309(@300wpm)
Estimated words: 92708 (not accurate)
Estimated Reading Time in minutes: 464(@200wpm)___ 371(@250wpm)___ 309(@300wpm)
I swirled the whiskey in my glass. “I failed Lexi. She’s going to lose her home.”
He nodded slowly. “Okay. But you tried to help, right? You did everything you could?”
“Yeah. Except stay married for five years.”
“You said she shot that idea down.”
“She did.”
“Any idea why?”
“She said it would be unfair to trap me for so long. She wants me to take that job in Santa Monica. She thinks I deserve to have what I want.”
“And that’s what you want? The job in California?”
“It’s what I should want.” I frowned. “It’s a fantastic offer. And it’s doing something I know I’m good at. It’s the dream job.”
“So what’s the problem?”
“The problem is that I don’t actually know if that’s the dream anymore. I feel like—like there’s something I want more.”
Xander sipped his whiskey. “Okay.”
“But it’s stupid. It’s crazy. The whole thing with Lexi was just for show. It was only to get back at Bob Oliver for trying to fuck me, and to help her inherit. Now that it all imploded, I should just move on.”
“So move on.”
“I don’t know if I can.” I set my glass on the bar and dropped my head into my hands, threading my fingers into my hair. “She gets me, Xander. She just fucking gets me. And now I have this weird, totally foreign compulsion to stay where I am—where I was—with her. To keep working together. To see this vision we had come to life and watch it succeed. To grow something together. It’s totally unlike me. I usually just make the deal, take the money, and move on to the next negotiation. But all of a sudden, that’s not enough.”
Xander sipped. Said nothing.
I pulled my phone from my pocket and showed him the end of her text messages. “Look at this bullshit. ‘Thank you for all you did for me. I consider you a friend.’ I don’t want to be her fucking friend!”
“What do you want to be?”
“Her husband!”
Xander rubbed the back of his neck. “Look, I’m not saying I think what you did was smart. In fact, I think it was totally fucked-up and I can’t even believe someone as level-headed and practical as you thought it was a good idea.”
“I wasn’t thinking clearly,” I said. “All I cared about was fucking over Bob Oliver.”
Xander narrowed his eyes. Shook his head. “See, I don’t buy that.”
“Huh?”
“I’m not saying it didn’t factor in, but I think Lexi got under your skin. I think she was the first woman—possibly the first human—to resist you in your adult life, and you were going to do anything it took to win her over. Even marry her. I think by refusing to give into you, she proved she was worthy of you, and you fucking wanted her. Bad. Even if it was subconscious.”
My jaw hung open. “Shit.”
Xander tossed back more whiskey. “For what it’s worth, I don’t think you were wrong. I do think she’s worthy of you. And I think you’re in love with her. Should you have dated her before marrying her? Yeah. But what’s done is done. So now the question is, do you undo it all and run away? Or do you face down whatever it is that has you so convinced you can’t stay and try to make it work?”
“I don’t know what it is.”
“Yes, you do.”
“She wants forever, Xander,” I blurted. “She wants a soul mate. She wants kids. I’ve never wanted any of that.”
“Why not?”
“I don’t know. I just never did. It’s so much.”
“So much what?”
“Responsibility. Work. Pressure. Time. Trust.”
“And you’re scared you can’t handle those things?”
“No,” I scoffed. “I can handle those things.”
“Then what can’t you handle?”
Rather than answer, I got off the stool and walked over to the front window. Stuck my hands in my pockets and stared out at the dark, silent street. For a full minute, I said nothing.
Then I answered truthfully. “The fear.”
“The fear of what?”
“I guess it’s the fear that you could lose someone you love. I don’t want to feel it. So maybe it’s better not to love someone that deeply.”
Xander was silent at first. “I get that. Being scared sucks. I used to think I wasn’t afraid of anything . . . then I met Kelly. Now I worry about her every damn minute of the day. But you know what?”
“What?”
“I wouldn’t trade it for being without her. When we’re apart, I fucking hate it.”
My eyes closed. “Right.”
A moment later, I heard Xander’s footsteps behind me. Felt his heavy hand on my shoulder. “Listen. Why don’t you take some time and think this over? Go out to California. See if it feels like home. See if being there inspires you.”
I didn’t want to go anywhere without Lexi. But maybe Xander was right. Maybe I needed some time for myself to re-evaluate what I wanted in life. What mattered the most. And I wanted to give Lexi the space she needed as well.