Total pages in book: 122
Estimated words: 115288 (not accurate)
Estimated Reading Time in minutes: 576(@200wpm)___ 461(@250wpm)___ 384(@300wpm)
Estimated words: 115288 (not accurate)
Estimated Reading Time in minutes: 576(@200wpm)___ 461(@250wpm)___ 384(@300wpm)
I suck in a shocked breath. “I thought she died during childbirth.”
His jaw tics. “She did.” His eyes flick up to mine. There’s anger, hurt, and frustration lurking behind them. And guilt. So much guilt. “But if I’d taken their daughter to the hospital two hours earlier, when she said we should probably go, instead of needing to finish mowing the fucking lawn, then maybe she would still be here.” He swallows thickly, lip curling in disgust, and I see that under all the anger is self-loathing. “If I’d put my wife ahead of a fucking household chore, they would still have their daughter. I took her away from them.” He points to his chest, voice as hard as his eyes. “It’s my fault she’s gone. Because I didn’t take care of her when I should have. Peyton is the only link they have left to their daughter, and letting Karen mother Peyton was the only way I could see to give her back some of what I took from them when Marcie died. I get that I need boundaries, but calling her out in a public place is cruel.”
“I’m so sorry.” I didn’t realize until now that Gavin has been holding onto the blame for that for all these years. Not like this. And it reframes so much of what’s happening. When he moved to Boulder, Karen stepped in as the mother Peyton didn’t have, and when he moved back here, he took that away from her. It explains so much about the way they deal with each other, and how Karen deals with me.
I take a step forward, wanting to find a way to console him. To tell him I understand what it’s like holding on to guilt, because I did it with him for years, but he puts his hand up to stop me.
“Don’t, please. I can’t handle this. I don’t deserve pity, or understanding, or any of the things that you want to give me right now, Harley. I know that Karen is making this difficult”—he motions between us—“but my moving back here has been hard on her. She’s struggling too. To her it’s another loss. I can’t take more away from her than I already have.”
“I’m not asking you to take things away from her. I’m asking you to stand up for us and for Peyton. There has to be some kind of balance, Gavin,” I say gently.
“I took their daughter from them. I robbed Peyton of a mother. There isn’t any balance. There’s just me trying to make up for the biggest fucking mistake of my life,” he grinds out.
I realize in that moment, as much as Gavin might want us to work, he still has a lot of work to do. His guilt is a heavy chain that’s keeping him shackled to the past. “I don’t know how to help you with this,” I say honestly.
“You can’t. This is mine to deal with.” He runs a hand through his hair and blows out a breath. “I’m going to grab an Uber. I want to be here, but I think we both need some time after today. I’m not telling you that you don’t have the right to be upset right now, Harley, with me, with Karen, but I don’t think any conversation we have today is going to be productive. Karen will be this way with any woman I bring into my life—”
“But it’s worse because we already have a history,” I finish for him.
“It makes it harder. There are memories attached to you.” He looks away. “Not just for Karen, but for me too. I just”—he closes his eyes and shakes his head—“I need some time to think, okay?”
“Are you asking for permission or are you telling me?”
“I don’t know. Both?”
I set my cooler on the counter and cross my arms. “If you need time, take it. I don’t want to push you into things you’re not ready to handle.”
He sighs again and crosses the room. He kisses my cheek, lips lingering there for a second, and when I feel him move toward my mouth, I turn my head away. I can’t give affection when he won’t give emotion. And that’s what this feels like—excuses drenched in his guilt.
A reason for him to keep me safely inside a box. His heart tucked away, out of reach and maybe too broken to be mended.
Nineteen
THE PATH TO HERE
HARLEY
Despite it being my weekend off, I dump the rest of the cooler—I drank a quarter of it—and head to Spark House. If I’m not spending the evening with Gavin, I might as well help my sisters and give one of them the night off, if they want it.
I show up at Spark House just before dinner and expect to find my sisters in the kitchen, or at least London, since she’s always been a bit of a micromanager, but they’re both sitting in the office, snacking on appetizers.