Total pages in book: 122
Estimated words: 115288 (not accurate)
Estimated Reading Time in minutes: 576(@200wpm)___ 461(@250wpm)___ 384(@300wpm)
Estimated words: 115288 (not accurate)
Estimated Reading Time in minutes: 576(@200wpm)___ 461(@250wpm)___ 384(@300wpm)
London turns a strip of paper into a star and sets it on the arm of her chair. “What if you take Peyton out of the equation?”
“I can’t do that.”
“Would you still have feelings for Gavin if she wasn’t a factor? Do you want to spend time with him without Peyton?” she asks.
“I … I think so? But I just broke up with Chad. It’s probably not a good idea for me to get involved with anyone at all. And this is a complicated situation. Peyton is comfortable with me.”
London hesitates before she finally says, “Please don’t take offense, but are you sure Gavin isn’t pulling you back into his and Peyton’s life because of exactly that reason?”
I think about all the time we’ve spent together. How we have fun together, but it always revolves around Peyton. Now that I look back on his introduction to Chad and my never mentioning the fact that I had a boyfriend, I have to wonder if subconsciously I’d done that on purpose. Even then I’d known why Chad was upset, but I’d brushed it off as nothing.
And then there’s the giant elephant that’s still stomping around between us in the form of what almost happened before he decided to move.
“I almost kissed him once,” I blurt.
London’s eyes go wide. “Recently?”
I shake my head. “When Peyton was a baby, just before he moved away.”
London nods slowly. “I wondered if there was more going on back then. You were so broken up about it when they moved. At first I thought it was because you’d lived with the family for more than a year, which you hadn’t done before. But you seemed so unsure of your path after that.”
“I was unsure. I couldn’t believe I had crossed that line.” I wanted to find a way to heal from the loss of losing our parents, but instead, I was creating even bigger holes. So I switched gears and surrounded myself with the people I loved and relied on the most: my sisters.
“Do you want to tell me what happened to inspire the almost-kiss?” London asks.
So I explain what transpired that night. How Peyton had been teething, that Gavin was overworked and not coping well, and I’d found him in the kitchen and consoled him. How I leaned in to kiss him, and he stopped me before I did.
“Have you ever talked about it since then?”
I shake my head. “I had just gotten up the nerve to apologize when he told me he was moving to Boulder to be closer to his in-laws.”
“What about since he’s moved back?” Her expression is full of concern.
“No. I haven’t had the guts to ask him. And we’re always with Peyton, so…” But that’s not entirely true, because we have been alone since then, not for long periods of time, but long enough that I could ask.
“Are you afraid of the answer?” she asks softly.
I sigh. “He told me he wanted to be closer to his in-laws.”
“But you didn’t believe him.”
“I always felt like I was the reason he made the move. Or at least the thing that pushed him over the edge. And after they moved, it made me question everything. I felt … betrayed, maybe? Lost? I’d spent all that time with Peyton, taken care of her, made things as easy as I could for her and Gavin, and they disappeared from my life. It hurt, maybe more than I wanted to admit or even realized at the time. But I couldn’t do that again, get attached like that. I understand that he was still grieving over losing Marcie, but that didn’t make their moving any less difficult.”
“Is he still grieving her now?” London asks.
“I don’t know.” Do you ever stop grieving a loved one?
London reaches out and squeezes my hand. “Give yourself some time to get over Chad before you jump into something new. Just because you weren’t in love with him doesn’t mean you don’t need some time to get your head around the breakup. And whatever is going on with you and Gavin, if and when you decide to pursue it, please take it slow. It’s not just you and Gavin that you need to think about.”
“I know. Peyton is a big part of the equation.”
“Whatever you choose, make sure that you’re doing this for the right reasons, and not as a way to keep Peyton in your life again,” she says gently.
I want to be reassured, but I’m nervous.
And she’s right. Regardless of whether breaking up with Chad was the right thing to do, I need to give myself time to let go of that relationship fully before I pursue another one.
Not to mention I still have no idea whether Gavin is interested in me like that.
* * *
I throw myself into work over the weekend, not wanting to focus too much on what’s going on in my life or how it feels a lot like I’m floating through it, never really able to find my footing.