Total pages in book: 122
Estimated words: 115288 (not accurate)
Estimated Reading Time in minutes: 576(@200wpm)___ 461(@250wpm)___ 384(@300wpm)
Estimated words: 115288 (not accurate)
Estimated Reading Time in minutes: 576(@200wpm)___ 461(@250wpm)___ 384(@300wpm)
My feet make the decision before my head can weigh in, and my heart is already in agreement with my actions as I cross the kitchen and head for Gavin.
I purposely step on the board that creaks, and Gavin’s head shoots up. My heart clenches at his expression. Shock, dismay, and embarrassment pass through his eyes, but the pain I see reflected back at me is what stops me from changing course. I bridge the gap between us and settle a hand on his shoulder. “What can I do to help?”
He scrubs a hand over his tired face. “You’re already doing too much.” His chocolate eyes lift to meet mine. “I’m putting too much on you.”
I shake my head. “You’re not.”
“I am. You’re only taking Sundays off. You should be going out on weekends with your friends, going to house parties, doing what college kids do.”
I don’t understand where this is coming from, or why all of a sudden Gavin is worried about my social life. “I’m more into Disney movies, arts and crafts, baking cupcakes, and making popcorn than I am going to house parties.”
“I just mean you deserve to have a life. I need to cut back my hours. I need to be here more.” His voice is low and gravelly. “I should be here for Peyton. It’s not fair for me to keep piling it all on you. You’re too young to be handling all of this.”
“I would tell you if it was too much. And you are here for Peyton. You’re always home for dinner, and you make sure you’re here for bedtime. Sure, you work extra hours once she’s in bed, but that’s not unusual. Especially since you’re helping run a family business. You’re doing the best you can, and that’s all anyone can ask for.”
“But is it enough?” He shakes his head. “I feel like I’m in purgatory, Harley. I feel like I’m stuck in the past, and all I want to do is move forward, but I can’t. I don’t know how to do this on my own.”
“But you don’t have to do it on your own, Gavin. You have your family and you have me.”
“I don’t know how to let go of this guilt.” His face crumples and he scrubs a hand over it.
“The guilt over what? What do you feel guilty about?” We don’t usually talk like this. Mostly he asks about Peyton, how her day was, and the milestones she’s reaching. At dinner he’ll sometimes ask about my courses, but he doesn’t open up about Marcie. I know it’s been a struggle for him to move past the loss of his wife. While she’s never a topic of conversation, she’s memorialized everywhere in this house.
He shakes his head. “I can’t … I just want it to stop hurting all the time.”
I settle my hand on top of his and squeeze. “I’m here. You can talk to me. I understand what it means to lose someone you love. I know the hurt doesn’t go away. We manage, we adapt, we develop armor, but we don’t stop missing them and we don’t stop loving them.”
“Is there no peace?” His expression breaks my heart.
I don’t know how to help him with anything other than the offer of comfort. So I do something I normally never would when it comes to one of my charges and their parents. I wrap my arms around his shoulders and hug him.
He stiffens for a moment, and I’m about to release him and apologize for overstepping, but he folds his arms around me and pulls me tightly against him. The sound he makes holds so much torment.
“It’s okay, Gavin. I’m here. I know it’s hard.” We’ve always kept it professional between us. Sure, I may be living under the same roof, but my job is to care for the sweet little angel that is sleeping down the hall. But tonight is different.
In this moment, I feel like I’m more than the nanny. Right now, it’s as though I’ve become part of this family.
I understand what he’s going through. Maybe I don’t know what it’s like to lose your partner before you’ve even had a chance to really and truly start your life together. But I know what it’s like to lose both of my parents. They died when I was twelve, leaving me and my older sisters, Avery and London, orphaned. Our grandmother stepped in to raise us, but those Mom-and-Dad-shaped holes in my heart can never be filled. There will always be two empty spaces in my chest where they used to be.
Slowly he loosens his hold on me. “I need to get a grip,” he mutters, voice thick with emotion.
Goose bumps rise along my skin when his fingertips skim my arm as he drops his hand.
“We all have difficult days. I’m always here. Whenever you need me.” My heart is beating so hard, it feels like it could crack my rib cage. I can’t seem to find it in me to step back, to break this connection. The longing to feel needed like this clouds my judgment. The intimacy of the moment makes it difficult to separate my desire to comfort from other, new feelings I don’t know what to do with.