Total pages in book: 96
Estimated words: 91213 (not accurate)
Estimated Reading Time in minutes: 456(@200wpm)___ 365(@250wpm)___ 304(@300wpm)
Estimated words: 91213 (not accurate)
Estimated Reading Time in minutes: 456(@200wpm)___ 365(@250wpm)___ 304(@300wpm)
I turn my head and look down the row. Next to me is Jules, then Simone’s seat, followed by her mom and dad. We all rode here together to watch game five against Florida, after we spent a nice time talking over hamburgers and hot dogs Max grilled. The kids are being watched by the neighbor and were sorely disappointed they couldn’t come. Max promised them tickets for the next home game, though, and they were semisatisfied.
The dinner was low pressure, and Luc’s parents are very sweet and totally over the moon about the baby. I know his mother was reining in her enthusiasm, because several times she’d start to gush about baby clothes, or a book on how to breast feed, but one look from Lucas and she shut it down. She’s just bursting apart ready to be a grandma, and while I find it sweet, it’s also completely foreign.
In a fascinating way, that is.
There is no doubt I want Lucas and his family to have a relationship with this child, but I’ll have to admit, it’s hard sharing this experience because I’m so used to doing everything on my own. Still, his entire family is as easy to like as Luc is, and while I might have difficulty sharing, I’m going to try, because Luc has shown me I can let people close to me without being disappointed.
Plus, he’s almost convinced me that I’m actually likable. That I’m worthy.
That’s saying a lot coming from me, as I’ve been made to feel unworthy pretty much my entire life, and if that doesn’t fuck with someone’s sense of value, I don’t know what will.
“Simone, sit down for God’s sake,” Marilyn says in exasperation as she tugs at the bottom of Simone’s jersey. She’s wearing Lucas’s jersey tonight, as am I. Jules is obviously wearing Max’s jersey, and her parents split their loyalties between the kids. Marilyn’s wearing Max’s and Laurence has on Lucas’s.
Simone turns to her mom in a huff and complains, “Those refs are making some bad calls.”
Her mom laughs. “And what do you want me to do about it?”
“Get up here and yell with me,” Simone demands, and to my surprise—and delight—Marilyn pops out of her seat and starts banging on the glass next to Simone. There’s only less than a minute left in the first period, but that doesn’t curb their enthusiasm.
“She’s great, isn’t she?” Jules says with a nudge of her shoulder against mine.
I move my gaze from the glass to Jules. “Yeah…really nice and down to earth.”
“It took awhile for me to get used to how close they all were,” she continues. “I never had that growing up. Mom died when I was young, and Dad was a long-distance truck driver who was never around. My older sister took care of me, but she died too. It was hard learning how to accept people worrying about you.”
Her words are pointed, and I know directed solely at me, not a reflection of her life. And while I appreciate what she’s trying to do, I don’t forget that we are still apples and oranges. Lucas filled me in on Jules and how she met Max, and while her life was missing parental guidance like mine, she had something I didn’t, and that was love. At least her dad loved her, and she had a sister who loved her a lot. Now she has Max and his family, and I watched them at lunch today. She may not be married into the family yet, but they treat her as if she is, and that’s because Jules is open and accepting. She knows how to accept kindness and care. She treats concern as a gift to be cherished, while I am suspicious of it.
I swear to God I’m really trying to learn from her and Luc and everyone, really, but it’s hard to let go of twenty-eight years of being conditioned that I’m not worthy of love and care. I’m guessing Lucas filled his parents in about some of my insecurities, because they’ve been treating me with kid gloves, which I do appreciate. But I really hope they have the same patience with me that Luc does, because I don’t want to alienate them. I know his allegiance will be to them, as it should be, and I don’t want to lose him if I were to push them away.
“It’s hard letting people in, but I’m trying my hardest,” I painfully admit to Jules. “I want this to be easy on everyone, but I am way out of my element here.”
“Want my opinion?” she asks me hesitantly, and I’m nodding at her before she even finishes her words. I’ll take any advice that I can to make things work for everyone involved. “You protect yourself so tightly against getting hurt you could miss something really amazing, and the really something amazing I’m talking about is Luc. You’re going to have a baby, and you’re going to have the emotional support of the entire Fournier family regardless of what happens between you and Luc. But you stand to lose him if you can’t take a little bit of a risk with your heart.”