Total pages in book: 84
Estimated words: 82271 (not accurate)
Estimated Reading Time in minutes: 411(@200wpm)___ 329(@250wpm)___ 274(@300wpm)
Estimated words: 82271 (not accurate)
Estimated Reading Time in minutes: 411(@200wpm)___ 329(@250wpm)___ 274(@300wpm)
She bites the pillow and moans into it.
Release comes hard and fast, I can’t stop it any more than I can stop breathing. I could really get used to being able to be with her like this.
I suddenly imagine what it would be like to openly date her, to hold her hand in public, to acknowledge that I have a person and that we fit perfectly.
I pull away from her and lay down next to her on my back, we’re both staring at the celling, not saying anything. Her fingers grasp mine. She’s shaking, her skin feels cold when I pull her against my chest and hold her tight.
“One day,” she says. “I always used to think it was a hopeful statement, like when you’re making goals, but right now, laying in bed with you, one day seems like a cruel promise that won’t ever come true.”
“What’s you’re one day?” I ask kissing her forehead.
“One day, I’ll walk out on the street with you and hold your hand without being scared of everything that could happen by simply walking next to you.”
“Is this the part where I tell you I’m rich and even if everything crumbles beneath me that I can support us?”
“Mature in so many ways, but still naïve.” She turns on her side and looks up at me. “That’s not how the world works, money helps, but your reputation is everything.”
Shame slams against my chest, because she doesn’t know my past mistakes, nobody does. “What if I told you that I’d already ruined my reputation before debut and it’s a miracle it hasn’t gotten out?”
She sits up, still naked. “What do I need to know?”
“You’re not my lawyer.” I say it as kind as I can. “Conflict of interest, besides, it’s a better idea for you not to know, if it does ever come out,” I shrug “I’ll try to deal with it. Right now I just want to be with you.”
“Did you bully someone in school?” She’s in clear lawyer mode. It would be cute if it wasn’t post sex.
And I can’t talk about it.
It physically hurts to think about having to actually let the words pass my lips in front of her after being with her.
I don’t want to see the look on her face, the disappointment that I wasn’t more responsible and hurt people in the process.
I slowly pull away from her and grab my clothes, jerking them on and trying to act as normal as possible without verbally telling her what I’ve never told a soul, I want to though, I want to confess my sins.
Shaking, I finally grab my jeans and pull on my shirt. She comes up behind me and hugs me, still naked. I can feel her breasts against my flimsy t-shirt, her hands link in front of my stomach while she rests her head against my back. “You can tell me anything.”
“I don’t think this specific thing will make you happy, even though I didn’t know you then, I still made a really big mistake that’s currently effecting me.”
She freezes. “So it’s not bullying.”
“It’s not bullying.” My throat feels like it’s going to close it’s swelling so much with tears that I haven’t shed, that I refused to release when I was in high school. “It’s damning is what it is.”
I slowly pry her arms away and turn and look at her. “It’s the past.”
“Have you dealt with it?” Her voice is soft.
The burning in my throat continues. “It could end us.”
“Drugs?” She guesses again.
“No.” I almost laugh. “I had no access to drugs unless someone decides they hate me and want to make up a story about me, just know there’s a reason I’m trying to be nice to Iseul, she knows too much.”
Ari lets out a heavy sigh. “You slept with her.” She doesn’t ask, she just knows. “Did something else happen?”
“Do we have to do this now?”
“You slept with her, but that’s easily hidden what else—”
“She got pregnant and miscarried.” I didn’t mean to blurt it all out. “And I was told to hide it, and she blamed me, we didn’t end well.”
Ari’s mouth parts. “Wait, so, you were sleeping with her when you were a trainee?”
I almost laugh with how stupid it is. “Yeah, I was sleeping around with my girlfriend while training to be a part of the biggest K-pop group in the world, got her pregnant despite using protection and I was willing to give it all up, she lost the baby and I—I met you. I graduated, and I met you after losing everything on top of all the pressure. I met you and I just I needed—”
Ari’s arms wrap around me, holding me tight. “It’s okay to cry a little bit, to let it out, especially if you never mourned, did you even tell, never mind of course you didn’t tell anyone.” She pulls back. “I’m the only person that knows aren’t I?”