Total pages in book: 63
Estimated words: 57043 (not accurate)
Estimated Reading Time in minutes: 285(@200wpm)___ 228(@250wpm)___ 190(@300wpm)
Estimated words: 57043 (not accurate)
Estimated Reading Time in minutes: 285(@200wpm)___ 228(@250wpm)___ 190(@300wpm)
What if…what if…what if…what if. All the what if’s keep me company in my empty apartment along with messages from Griffin.
He’s too good for me and I know it. I want to tell him, but he has to already know and if he doesn’t, I don’t want him to see that. Not yet.
I'm still on the couch under my blanket, hiding from life, when there's a knock at my door.
I jump off the couch, startled, and drop my phone into the cushions. He didn't come over, did he? Did Mags somehow know something is wrong and decide to drop by? Is my mom okay?
I didn’t realize just how much the wine had gotten to me until I stand up too quickly.
“One second,” I call, then rush over to the kitchen sink in record time and wash my face so it’s not too obvious I was crying. Then I head to the front door.
I look through the peephole, and my heart drops. It's Griffin, standing outside the door to my apartment with his hands in his pockets.
I unlock the door and pull it open, aware of the puffy skin around my eyes. His eyes widen when he sees my face. He knows I've been crying. Washing my face in the kitchen sink didn't help at all. I hoped it would do a little better job than that, but it's too late.
Griffin looks into my eyes for a beat, and then he shakes his head. “What happened, Renee? I didn't mean it. Whatever I said, I didn't mean it. Whatever I did. I don’t know what it was, but I didn’t mean it because I’d never want to upset you.”
“What?” I have no idea what he's talking about. “You didn’t say or do anything.”
He glances around the hallway. “Can I come in?”
“Of course.” I hold the door open for him, then shut it behind him. When I turn around, he's given me a little space in the small foyer, his hands still in his pockets. “Griffin, I don't know what you're talking about.”
He looks at me, his eyes dark with emotion. “Whatever I did that made you change your mind, I didn't mean it.”
It takes me a minute to even remember which text I sent him. Which truth I unveiled. My eyes sting but I swallow down every bit of emotion. I wish he just knew. Wouldn’t it be so much easier if I didn’t have to betray my mother or open up every little part of me that wants to stay hidden. I wish he just knew.
“You didn't do anything.” My throat gets tight with more tears, but I swallow them down. Now is not a good time to start crying again. Griffin furrows his brow. He obviously doesn't believe me. “Griffin, I mean it. You didn't do anything wrong. You've been great.”
“You're talking about Christmas, right? You can't come with me to my family's Christmas?”
I blink away all my thoughts. Is this about dinner? About the Christmas dinner? It seems so…not as heavy. Words evade me as I try to make my brain work right. “I can make that up to you,” I say, although I don’t know how. It’s important to him I’m sure. In ways it never was for my family. In ways that are different from the things I’m going through. I didn’t think he’d care this much, but for him to look at me like the way he is over turning down an invitation, it meant more to him. I can see that. Shit, shit, shit. I wish he just knew.
I want to go with him so badly that I almost backtrack, but I can't do that to my mom. Not after everything she's done for me. Not when she’s so close to being safe for the first time.
“I can go with you on Christmas Eve,” I offer quickly. More words try to follow, with more explanations, but I focus on the main point. “But I want to be with my mom for Christmas.”
I almost make it through without giving myself away, but my voice hitches on the word mom, and Griffin's eyes fill with more compassion. It's exactly the face I thought he'd make, and my heart aches to see a piece of recognition in his gaze. I clench my teeth together so I don't blurt out all the reasons I have to be with her and how this year's different.
“Okay,” Griffin says, a tentative smile spreading over his handsome face. “That sounds good. I want to be with my family on Christmas, too. I can meet your mom on Christmas Eve or are we preten–?”
“No,” I say, too quickly cutting him off. It's only after I’ve shut him down that I realize he might have been joking. My heart races and I wish he’d leave now. I fixed it. I fixed the problem; please go before I make more mistakes. Please leave before you see too much.