Total pages in book: 68
Estimated words: 64337 (not accurate)
Estimated Reading Time in minutes: 322(@200wpm)___ 257(@250wpm)___ 214(@300wpm)
Estimated words: 64337 (not accurate)
Estimated Reading Time in minutes: 322(@200wpm)___ 257(@250wpm)___ 214(@300wpm)
I press my lips together, fighting for control, and continue in an only slightly wobbly voice, “When the first round of chemo didn’t work, and she relapsed a year later, I was the one who fought to help her keep living at home, even though she was so weak. But she didn’t want to move in with my parents or have a nurse with her all the time. She was a private, independent person.”
“Sounds familiar,” Seven murmurs.
“Thanks,” I say, willing myself not to cry. If I cry, it will only make this take longer, and I’m so ready to be done with it. “While she was waiting to start chemo again, we took turns staying with her. One night, my mom had been on duty all afternoon and was positive Gran was taking a turn for the worse. She made me promise to call for an ambulance if I heard her gasping for air the way she had several times earlier that day. I said I would, but a few hours later, when Gran started having trouble breathing again…” I curl my free hand into a fist, my nails biting into my palm as my heart punches at my ribs. “I didn’t call the ambulance. I did what she asked me to do. She said she was done fighting. She was ready to go, so I …” I bite my bottom lip, horror swelling inside of me like a poisonous balloon about to pop. But this is the truth, and it’s high time I told it. “I let her go. I stood there and just…watched while she died.”
A sob escapes my lips, but before I can reach for a tissue or press the heels of my hands to my eyes to stop the tears, Seven is somehow in front of me. I don’t remember seeing him move. One second, he’s on the other side of the island, with his back turned to me; the next, he’s dragging me against his chest and holding me so tight, I can barely breathe.
“Oh, sweetheart,” he says, the love in his voice making me feel even worse.
I try to squirm free, but he’s got me in a lock. “I’m not a sweetheart, I’m a murderer,” I sob against his hard chest.
“No, you’re not. You’re the badass she raised you to be,” he says. “You honored her wishes, even though what she asked was way too much to put on a seventeen-year-old kid.”
“I was eighteen,” I say, curling my fingers into the soft fabric of his shirt. “I was about to graduate.”
“Same difference. You were a kid,” he says. “But you were probably the only person in her life with a heart big and brave enough to let her go with dignity.”
My face crumples again. “It wasn’t dignified. It was awful. She gasped and writhed on the bed. It was…horrific.” I shudder and Seven hugs me even harder.
“That was just biology, a body fighting to live even though the spirit was ready to go. That’s just how humans are wired. I promise you that she was so proud of you. You did the right thing.”
I fight to swallow past the fist shoving up my throat. “I don’t know,” I rasp. “I’ve always wondered if she ch-changed her mind at the last minute. If she died hating me for being a monster.”
“Never,” he says without a beat of hesitation. “She loved you. And she was what, seventy? Eighty?”
“Eighty-two,” I mumble. “She didn’t have Mom until she was thirty something. It was late for back then.”
“Eighty-two years is plenty of time to know your own mind,” he says. “And it sounds like she knew hers better than most. She wouldn’t have asked you to do what you did without a lot of thought. She knew what she wanted.” He pulls back, gazing down at me. “Don’t doubt that. She wouldn’t want you to. You saved her from a life that was causing her nothing but suffering. You were her hero.”
Fresh tears stream down my cheeks. “I loved her so much. I couldn’t say no. She’d already asked me twice before that week not to call the ambulance if she started to go. She’d decided she didn’t want to go back to the hospital or try chemo again. She said she was r-ready.”
He brushes his palm over my forehead, smoothing my hair back. “And she was. It’s time to let this go. You aren’t a murderer. You’re a brave woman who did a very hard thing to help someone you loved. Like you always do.”
I sniff. “This isn’t why I told you. I didn’t want you to comfort me or…absolve me or whatever. I wanted you to know that I have crazy shit in my past, too. If anything, I’m not good enough for you, not vice versa.”
He shakes his head, the love in his eyes unwavering. “Nope. Not even close. You’re one in a million. One in a hundred million. The world doesn’t deserve you.”