Total pages in book: 86
Estimated words: 79870 (not accurate)
Estimated Reading Time in minutes: 399(@200wpm)___ 319(@250wpm)___ 266(@300wpm)
Estimated words: 79870 (not accurate)
Estimated Reading Time in minutes: 399(@200wpm)___ 319(@250wpm)___ 266(@300wpm)
“You want it that bad?” I asked, aiming to humiliate him. I also wanted to hurt him, so I did. I yanked up on his arm just enough to make him scream, but instead of easing my need or giving me any kind of satisfaction, his suffering sizzled deliciously through my body and made me want to hurt him more. I dropped down over his back and bit into the tender flesh where his shoulder met the side of his throat, groaning at the feel of him squirming beneath me. Without even realizing I was doing it, I started to rock into him, going through the motions of fucking him, the friction of his ass against my dick driving all rational thoughts out of my head. God, he was turning me on. I could not wait to get inside him, but I had to know he wanted me there. If I didn’t confirm that this was mutual, things could get ugly. I had just enough sense left to realize that.
“Jamie, look at me.” I sat back and eased my grip on his arm.
He turned his head and looked over his shoulder. His eyes were wide, his lips parted, and he looked like he absolutely wanted to fuck.
I flipped the band of my shorts down, took out my cock, and pushed against his hole through the fabric of his shorts. Spelling it out for him. “Is this what you want?”
He nodded, and it was then that I saw he was crying.
In that moment, I realized something that very nearly unnerved me. It hurt him to need me like he did. He speared me with that wide gaze full of longing, those big brown eyes that could annihilate the strongest of men. I was a heartbeat away from taking him into my arms and kissing away those awful tears I hadn’t meant to cause.
But no. He wasn’t asking for love. I’d already given him my heart on a silver platter, and it hadn’t been enough. He was asking for something much darker than love, something I was well-used to giving. And there was no way I was leaving until I’d given him every ugly thing he thought he wanted.
“Son, if you’ll shut that door, we can get out of here,” the cab driver said, startling me.
I hesitated. All I could think about was jumping out of that cab, running back around the side of the house, grabbing Jamie up and holding him in my arms. Forget pride, and forget common sense. He was mine, and I wanted him. It had only been a couple of minutes. He was probably still there. What if I’d hurt him? I should at least check. At least pick him up off the ground and pull his fucking pants up.
“No,” I groaned aloud, digging my fingers into my disheveled hair and pulling hard, trying to use the pain. Sometimes pain was the only thing that helped ground me. I wished I had another hair band besides the one I’d ripped out while Jamie and I were arguing. Smoothing my hair back into its little topknot would make me feel less like an animal. Less like I was falling apart.
Then, before I could make a horrible decision, I closed the door.
When the cab started moving, I watched out the back glass as the family home got smaller and finally disappeared. Should I really be feeling this kind of desperation in the suburbs? I thought it was all supposed to be Christmas mornings, footed pajamas and picket fences. After-school snacks and dogs that played fetch. I knew my ideas of family were borrowed straight from television, but I felt cheated that the experience was nothing at all like I’d expected. Was it all pure fantasy? All I’d ever known was hotels and room service, and a numbing loneliness that quietly spanned weeks, then months, then years. The idea that there was something more out there had almost been comforting.
I’d been so happy to go home with Jamie. I didn’t think a Sherman tank could blow the smile off my face as his mother gave us a tour of her tiny gardens. Then we’d run into his ex-girlfriend in the kitchen, and that had been a hell of a sucker punch.
Even now, I wasn’t sure how she’d gotten into the mix, and I don’t think Jamie knew, either. But to walk into your lover’s house and see his ex standing there, and then listen to his family fawning all over her… Hey, it had bothered the shit out of me, but I managed to push it aside. It was only a nuisance, right? Jamie wasn’t interested in her anymore, and he’d given me no reason to doubt that. That’s what I told myself.
I fought off the anger, breathed through the awkwardness, tried to give people the benefit of the doubt. But when his dad went out of his way to tell me that he expected my professional relationship with his son to be over, and had then pointedly assigned sleeping arrangements that left me out in the cold on the sofa, something inside me snapped. I felt it acutely when it happened.