Total pages in book: 124
Estimated words: 118125 (not accurate)
Estimated Reading Time in minutes: 591(@200wpm)___ 473(@250wpm)___ 394(@300wpm)
Estimated words: 118125 (not accurate)
Estimated Reading Time in minutes: 591(@200wpm)___ 473(@250wpm)___ 394(@300wpm)
So he kept his hands and his thoughts to himself, giving Rian quiet and space to compose himself, averting his eyes so Rian wouldn’t feel like Damon was scrutinizing him, judging him, impatient.
But he looked back as Rian sucked in an audible breath and straightened his shoulders, wiping his fingers under his eyes once more even though they were still dry, and Damon thought he was betraying more than he intended about what he was repressing with those little gestures.
“Sometimes,” Rian said softly, looking somewhere just past Damon, not quite meeting his eyes, “when I’m afraid... I say the easiest thing that comes to mind. Anything that lets me deflect, and hide.” He offered a tremulous smile, one full of all the hurt that dwelled in his eyes, even if he seemed so stubbornly determined not to actually let it out. “Anything that lets me smile like I don’t mean it.”
That hit in ways it shouldn’t have—hard.
Because now Damon wondered...if, because he’d dared to have any emotion other than perfect patience, because he’d dared to be frustrated, in a bad mood, upset, hurt...
If Rian now saw him the same way others had. The people who had told him he was only good for brute military service. The kids who had acted like he didn’t have a right to defend himself when they hurt him. The past lovers that had begged him to be rougher, then flinched like he’d done something to hurt them if he was just grouchy and didn’t want to talk.
As a raging animal, someone to be afraid of, instead of a human being who was allowed to have feelings other than smiling complacence.
“So,” Damon asked, trying to keep his voice even, “what are you afraid of, Rian?”
“I don’t know.” Rian shook his head, his hair rippling around him. He stepped back, clutching one hand against his chest, the other wrapped around his forearm in a death grip that made the fine bones of his wrist stand out starkly. He gulped back a ragged sound. “I... I should go.”
“Running away?”
Rian stopped in the middle of taking another step backward. “Giving us both space to think.” He blinked quickly, a little too hard. “It seems like we need that...doesn’t it?”
“Yeah. You’re probably right.”
Yet some part of Damon felt like if he let Rian go...that wall between them would never come down. Maybe it shouldn’t, though. Maybe they should just...fucking keep their distance if they upset each other this much—and he sure as hell wasn’t going to try to force Rian to stay, or talk to him if he didn’t want to. Because Rian was right; just sitting here flinging shit at each other wasn’t going to help anything right now, and it would do them both good to separate and clear their heads.
So he just...watched Rian go.
Watched Rian turn his back on him, slender hand gripping at the edge of the door as he pushed it open. But before Rian could cross the threshold, Damon caught himself talking before he could stop his lips from moving, little droplets of hurt pouring off his tongue as sounds.
“I don’t want you to be afraid of me, Rian.”
Rian stopped so sharply his clothing swayed around him, his hair swirling in an eddying cloud; he threw a wide-eyed, startled look over his shoulder. “It’s...it’s not you I’m afraid of,” he said blankly, then more emphatically, “Not at all. Never. How could I be afraid of you?”
Damon felt selfish, almost, for how that eased the tightness inside him.
But he’d fucking needed to hear it, too.
And it was easier to talk without the lump in his throat choking off his words as he asked, “Nah? Then what?”
“I...” Rian’s lashes lowered. “I’m afraid of hurting you just by being me.”
“You so sure that’s how it would be?”
“I don’t know.” With a halfhearted shrug, Rian’s lips twitched in a pallid attempt at a smile, as if he couldn’t even muster up the energy for one of those damned fake, pleasantly polite things. “But we really shouldn’t let an entire week go without talking again.”
“We won’t,” Damon promised. “Go clear your head. I get it. It’s okay.”
“Thank you,” Rian whispered.
Before, once again, Damon had to watch him walk away, the door closing in his wake.
Leaving Damon alone, and wondering why he felt like they’d just broken something when there’d been nothing there to break to start with.
Chapter Fourteen
Maybe, Rian thought, it would serve him right if Damon ignored him.
Because if he’d been treating Damon in such a way that Damon thought Rian was afraid of him, then Rian had been absolutely right.
It was so easy for him to hurt Damon just by being himself, without even realizing the fallout of his casual little careless comments.
Rian lay on his back in bed, staring up at the ceiling and the patterns the moonlight made against the stucco patterns, filtered through trees that were slowly starting to lose the first of their leaves, making silhouetted black spider webs of branches against the white stucco. Through the bedroom wall, he could hear Walden moving around; he’d been avoiding the man as much as was necessary considering they rarely crossed paths, when Rian didn’t know if he’d fucking explode at him or not.