Total pages in book: 124
Estimated words: 118125 (not accurate)
Estimated Reading Time in minutes: 591(@200wpm)___ 473(@250wpm)___ 394(@300wpm)
Estimated words: 118125 (not accurate)
Estimated Reading Time in minutes: 591(@200wpm)___ 473(@250wpm)___ 394(@300wpm)
When every time we start to maybe sort through all of this...we just...have sex and screw it all up again like sex is supposed to smooth everything away.
He realized, then, that Damon was oddly still against him, his face buried in Rian’s throat, warm breaths against his skin, tickling at his neck. It wasn’t just lazy quiet, lax relaxation; Damon wasn’t quite stiff, but Rian could feel that he was holding himself very carefully in place, and he thought maybe...
Damon wasn’t okay, either.
No matter how good it felt...they had to stop doing this. Not like this, at least.
Rian bit his sore, tender lower lip, untangling his fingers from Damon’s hair to touch his shoulder, tracing down to his bicep. “Hey,” he murmured tentatively. “Are you all right?”
“...not sure yet,” Damon grumbled into his neck. “Hard to think straight with my dick in you. Hold still, I’m gonna try not to make this hurt.”
Trying didn’t mean Rian didn’t suck in a sharp, harsh breath and tense as Damon braced his hands to either side of Rian’s body and lifted his hips, arching his back as he drew back—and his softening cock dragged thickly inside Rian, pulling against sore flesh and leaving him gasping as Damon parted their bodies and left him with only emptiness and lingering after-echoes of not entirely unpleasant pain. Whimpering, he curled on his side inside the cage of Damon’s arms, closing his eyes and struggling to make his body just calm down.
“Shh,” Damon soothed, brushing Rian’s hair back from his cheeks and leaning down to kiss the corner of his mouth. “Take your time. Breathe. You gonna be okay?”
“Y-yes.” Inhale; exhale; inhale; exhale; it was less the pain and more Damon’s tender, gentle touches that made Rian feel like he was going to hyperventilate. “I’m just...mmn. I’m not...used to doing that regularly anymore.”
“No?” Damon’s voice sounded strange—and Rian opened his eyes to find the look in Damon’s eyes just as odd, studying Rian with that unreadable regard. “Guess two times is enough to border on a habit, huh.”
Rian winced, shifting onto his back again, reaching up to rest his hand to Damon’s chest. “I suppose we...are still in the middle of some rather fraught emotions, and—”
He let out a startled sound as Damon caught his hand, stopping it short of touching Damon, gripping hard. “Don’t,” Damon bit off, brows lowering. “Don’t you fucking do that again.”
Going still, swallowing the lump in his throat, Rian stared up at Damon. “Do...do what?”
“What you did last time.” The words came out hard, like Damon was cutting their edges with his teeth. “Don’t tell me this was just some mechanical fucking thing. A one-night stand.”
Rian’s heart went completely still, while the rest of his body seemed to convulse to compensate, every vein constricting in on itself in a clutch of hurt. He couldn’t think, couldn’t do anything but ache and spin dizzily and want, but he managed to find faint words.
“It...it wasn’t.”
“Why?” Damon demanded, harsh—yet even if he seemed so furious, that firm hold on Rian’s hand wasn’t cruel. Instead it felt like a needy question in the form of touch, a longing to have some kind of contact, some kind of closeness, even as they battered at each other once again. “Why did you say that, last time?”
“I... I...”
“Rian.” Dark eyes pleaded with him, and behind the hard glare of anger was...was...pain. “Please. For fuck’s sake, tell me what’s going on inside your head right now. Because with the way we’ve been going at each other, this isn’t just fucking. You want to know what’s going on inside my head? Maybe let me into yours, too.”
“I...fuck.”
Damon smiled pallidly, his grasp on Rian’s hand loosening. “Something other than ‘damn.’ Gotta be serious shit, huh?”
But when Damon’s grip relaxed, Rian clutched tighter, his chest seizing as though, if he let go of that grasp, he’d forget how to breathe. “I’m sorry,” he blurted, because it wasn’t an answer to Damon’s question but it was the first thing that came to mind. “I’m sorry, I just... I didn’t want to hurt you, I didn’t want you to feel like I was using you so maybe if it was just...you know...a simple thing, casual...maybe...”
With a sigh, Damon slumped, looking at Rian wearily. “Did I say I felt used?”
Rian drew his lips in between his teeth, biting down on them both from the inside before whispering, “...no...”
“Because I didn’t. You decided that for me,” Damon growled—but his fingers tightened on Rian’s again, holding them closer, pressing them against his chest and the heated, steady beat of his heart. “Without asking me, you decided what you should do about my damned feelings, and thought you were gonna ‘fix’ that entire situation by closing off and taking all that shit on yourself. That’s not what the hell I wanted at all. Not to save my feelings, and not to save myself.”