Total pages in book: 88
Estimated words: 80342 (not accurate)
Estimated Reading Time in minutes: 402(@200wpm)___ 321(@250wpm)___ 268(@300wpm)
Estimated words: 80342 (not accurate)
Estimated Reading Time in minutes: 402(@200wpm)___ 321(@250wpm)___ 268(@300wpm)
But yeah, I know that look and that fast footwork backtracking thing she'd done. I tried not to let it sting, just as I'd held my breath to keep the nausea at bay when she kissed him. It was damn near mortifying at that point to realize that I was still stupid crazy about him.
He's been my true love, my idol, my crush my everything for so long, and even when I tell myself that I'm over him, I know that I'm lying. All it takes is the mention of his name or a certain sight or sound that reminds me of him in any way, and I'm reminded once more that I'm really not over him.
It's one of the reasons I'd chosen my field of study. I've always wondered about the intensity of my feelings for him at first sight and at such a young age. An age when most girls find boys repulsive and imbecilic. I wonder even more how they've stayed with me for so long, long after they should've naturally been gone.
I pulled my thoughts away from him as I opened the door to my home and walked in. Mom and dad were out for the night, and the servants were in their private quarters in a separate part of the house, which meant I had the whole place to myself.
Still, I wandered up to my room and closed the door, shutting myself in. I didn't get my thoughts away from him, after all. I crumpled to the floor as soon as it was closed behind me, my chest heaving with dry sobs as I hyperventilated. I cried about ten years' worth of tears.
I cried for the loss of that innocent love for the girl who'd lost her heart before she ever knew what it was for. I cried for the unfairness of the life I'll have to live from now on because I know as sure as I know my name, that I will never love anyone the way I love Derrick Masters.
So for the rest of my life, I'll have to settle, always knowing that he's second-best whoever he is. That he will never make me happy; never own all of my heart. My beautiful life, the life my parents had wanted for me, done before it's begun. So yeah, I wanna reach other little girls before they get lost like I have.
Jenny
Life went on as usual. I walked, talked, even smiled, and no one knew what was really going on inside of me. I was my own human guinea pig in the days and weeks after that encounter. I kept notes of my every move and thought, being brutally honest and not hiding anything of the truth as my hand moved across the pages.
I didn't risk putting this in my electronic diary. I had more trust in the old-fashioned code locked diaries. This one looked like any old novel that you'd buy in a bookstore and on a topic that no one would have enough interest in to go snooping. Biochemistry is no one's favorite topic.
No one of note asked about the interview, just a few of the housewives that had recommended my name and services. To those who asked, I played it off very well. I had lots of work coming up in the next few weeks, and two babies to handle on top of my other charges were a bit much.
Those who knew me creased their brow in thought as this did not sound like me, while the others just nodded with understanding. I did everything in my power not to pass by the Masters's mansion. Whereas before I'd go out of my way just to sneak a peek. The place held most of my happiest childhood memories after all, though I'd never been inside before that day of the interview.
Thankfully no one I knew seemed to remember my childhood crush, something I found preposterous, seeing as I was bleeding right in front of them because of it. Because the recipient of it had moved back to town with his perfect wife and their perfect twin daughters.
I tried not to hate her, this woman who did not know me and did not know how her very existence had trampled my heart. And I most definitely couldn't hate him, the most perfect being in my mind not even when he looked into my eyes and didn't know me.
Those eyes that had followed him, that had held all I felt for him each time I looked at him. I wrote of that too, of the absurdity of one person meaning so much to and playing such a pivotal part in another's life, when they had no idea that that person even existed.
He'd gone on with his life and was happy. I envied that happiness I envied their love… "What's the matter, Jenny, you've been strange all week." I looked up from doing my chemistry homework to see my mother standing in the doorway of my room.