Total pages in book: 76
Estimated words: 71911 (not accurate)
Estimated Reading Time in minutes: 360(@200wpm)___ 288(@250wpm)___ 240(@300wpm)
Estimated words: 71911 (not accurate)
Estimated Reading Time in minutes: 360(@200wpm)___ 288(@250wpm)___ 240(@300wpm)
“I want you to have what I have.”
Memories flashed across my mind, the kind I wished I could erase from my memory. They said it was better to have loved and lost than not to love at all, but those people didn’t know shit about loss. Or pain. Or grief. Or anything. If I could do it all over again…I wouldn’t. “I did have what you have, Axel—and it haunts me every fucking day.”
9
ASTRID
I held the flute of champagne in my hand and eyed the hors d’oeuvres spread on the table, little pieces of bruschetta and filet mignon wrapped in crispy bacon. I’d already had enough to make my dress tighten over my stomach so I should exercise some self-control, but I was also bored.
Bolton was across the room, sitting in one of the armchairs, talking to his older brother with a glass of red wine in his hand. His light-colored hair was combed back away from his face, showing off the handsome features that made me fall for him the moment I saw him. He wore a serious expression, but his eyes had a light that never faded.
I still loved him despite the suggestion that broke my heart, but it was changing, slowly drowning with resentment and anger…and self-loathing. The worst part of this was knowing I wasn’t enough for him. That his desires had to be supplemented with women I didn’t have the courage to ask about.
“You alright?” Denise, my sister-in-law, walked over.
“Yeah.” I covered my consternation with a false smile. “Just trying not to eat all your appetizers like a fat-ass.”
She smirked. “You’re not a fat-ass, Astrid.”
But I wasn’t a fine piece of ass either, the kind that Bolton wanted to keep all to himself.
She continued to watch me. “You sure you’re alright?”
“Just had too much champagne. It’s always been my weakness.”
Denise accepted my explanation. “Michael tells me you guys are thinking about starting a family.”
Bolton told him? Did he also tell him the other thing we’d started? “Yep, it’s on the table.”
“That’s exciting. I was so nervous when our first one came, but once he was here, it all just came together. We knew what to do.”
“And I’m sure a nanny helped with that,” I teased.
“Oh, definitely,” she said with a chuckle. “I’m a grouch without sleep, and Michael is even worse.”
I used to see Bolton’s family as my family, the family I’d never had, but now everything felt different. The connection that bonded us had been severed by his desires. I hated to admit it, but I even felt differently toward my niece and nephew. I didn’t have a family of my own, and I really believed in-laws would be enough, but I realized nothing would ever come close to a blood relative. All Bolton had to do was fuck someone else, and everything came unraveled.
“I’m sorry. I know I’ve asked twice already, but you just have this look in your eye…”
My eyes found hers again.
“Like you go somewhere else, somewhere sad.”
I forced that smile to come back. “The gallery has been really hectic lately. Just got a lot on my mind.”
“Well, you don’t have to work.”
“I know. But I want to.” I needed something that was just mine. I’d thought Bolton was mine, but he only wanted to be mine part time. “Need something to do while Bolton is away.” Something other than the dark hunk who brought me to life with his electric touch.
Bolton talked about Michael on the way home. “Said we should all take a trip to Paris this summer. The kids are old enough now.”
“Yeah, that would be fun.”
He drove with one hand on the wheel, but his other hand didn’t reach for my thigh. “What did you and Denise talk about?”
“Work…kids.” I liked Denise, but I had been in the mood to sit alone and eat in a corner.
“I told Michael we were thinking about trying.”
“Yeah, she mentioned it.”
He approached a stoplight and brought the car to a slow stop. “Well?”
“Well, what?”
“You wanna start trying?”
My heart dropped into my stomach with dread. It was the same feeling of terror I felt when things heated up with Theo, the heavy realization that I was about to cross a line I could never uncross. But this was a different level, an anxiety that went from zero to sixty in a nanosecond. “Um…” I’d been on birth control a long time and continued to take it. Once I stopped taking it, I didn’t know what would happen. Would I get pregnant right away, or would it take a year?
The light turned green, and he continued down the road. “That sounds like a no.” Disappointment was heavy in his voice as he grabbed the wheel with both hands.
I didn’t know what to say, so I focused my gaze out the window and ignored him in my peripheral. My pulse raced, and despite the cold, I felt sweat on my palms.