Total pages in book: 295
Estimated words: 282090 (not accurate)
Estimated Reading Time in minutes: 1410(@200wpm)___ 1128(@250wpm)___ 940(@300wpm)
Estimated words: 282090 (not accurate)
Estimated Reading Time in minutes: 1410(@200wpm)___ 1128(@250wpm)___ 940(@300wpm)
“Vi,” she whispers, her posture sagging.
“And the look on his face?” My voice breaks and my eyes burn with the memory of Liam’s head in my hands. “You don’t see it every time you try to sleep. You don’t hear him begging you to take care of Sloane. You sure as hell don’t hear Deigh scream…” I lace my fingers on top of my head and look away, waging war with the grief, the pain, the never-ending guilt, and as usual, I lose. There’s only that box and the blessed emptiness I know is achievable if I can get a little control, but the words won’t stop coming. It’s like my mouth has disassociated from my brain and my emotions are running the show.
“And as horrible as it might be, as callous as it might make me, watching Aurelie fall, and Pryor burn, and even Jack-fucking-Barlowe get crushed under my landslide prepared me for the moment I had to leave Liam’s body on the ground and fight. If I’d sat there and mourned like I wanted to, none of us would be here. Imogen, Bodhi, Xaden, Garrick—everyone—we’d all be dead. There’s a reason they want us to watch our friends die, Rhi.” I tap my chest with one finger. “We are the weapons, and this place is the stone they use to sharpen us.” The energy in my body dwindles, and the heat dissipates.
My stomach hollows out at the utter devastation on Rhiannon’s face.
Tairn’s wingbeats grow louder as he approaches, and the sound helps settle my heartbeat.
“I’m sorry,” I whisper. “And I’m glad you don’t know what it’s like.” Blinking rapidly clears the blurriness from my eyes. “I’m grateful every single day that you don’t have those memories, that you and Sawyer and Ridoc weren’t there. I wouldn’t wish that day on my worst enemy, let alone my closest friend, and even if I’m quiet lately, that’s what you still are—my closest friend.” But friends tell the truth. Telling her will put her in danger, but not telling her leaves her unprepared, just like we were. Shit. “And you’re right. I should talk to you. You lost Liam, too. You have every right to know—”
“No.” Tairn’s voice blasts through my head and wind gusts at my back a second before he lands behind me. “Solas’s rider.”
“Good evening, Cadet Sorrengail,” Major Varrish says directly from our left, mage lights popping on overhead as he walks around the boulders where he and his guards have been waiting only a dozen feet away. “Cadet Matthias. Sounds like I may have interrupted a discussion?”
His guards follow.
Oh gods. I almost—
“But you didn’t,” Tairn says.
“Sir?” Rhiannon’s eyes widen as her gaze swings from me to the vice commandant.
“You know the drill, cadet.” He closes the distance between us and points to the ground. “Or are you going to argue that you’re not under my command at all now?”
Tairn lowers his head and rumbles a low growl.
Apprehension knots my throat, and I step to the side, taking Rhi out of Varrish’s direct path. Indignation isn’t going to help, so I swing my pack from my shoulders and open it, emptying the contents onto the ground. Then I shake the open bag to show him that it’s empty. “Happy?”
“Not yet, but one day.” His smile makes my stomach churn. “I’m patient.”
The rider finishes the search, taking a look inside my bag just to be sure I actually emptied it before handing it back.
“Enjoy your leave while you have it.” Varrish nods, that smile still frozen in place, and the three head off the field.
“Assholes.” I crouch down and Rhi matches the movement, helping me repack the bag. “Thanks.”
“Is that normal?”
“Yes.” We stand once everything is tucked away. “Are we glad they didn’t search you again tonight?”
“We are.”
“But…why?” Confusion lines her forehead. “What is going on? That couldn’t have been about Andarna.”
“They’ll never fully trust Xaden’s last name.” With good reason. I sling my pack over my shoulders and slip my arms through the straps. “I really am sorry for exploding on you back there. There’s no excuse.”
“Don’t be.” She offers me a sad half smile. “I’d rather you scream at me than pretend everything is all right with silence.”
At least there’s one truth I can give her.
“Nothing is all right.”
In the years after my father died, I forgot what it felt like to be loved. Then I entered the quadrant and became the monster everyone needed me to be, and I never regretted it. But then you gave those words to me, and I remembered…and nearly lost you, too. I’m striving to be better for you just like I promised, but I need you to know that monster is still there, screaming to use every ruthless part of me to get your words back.
—RECOVERED CORRESPONDENCE OF LIEUTENANT XADEN RIORSON TO CADET VIOLET SORRENGAIL