Total pages in book: 98
Estimated words: 90887 (not accurate)
Estimated Reading Time in minutes: 454(@200wpm)___ 364(@250wpm)___ 303(@300wpm)
Estimated words: 90887 (not accurate)
Estimated Reading Time in minutes: 454(@200wpm)___ 364(@250wpm)___ 303(@300wpm)
I stand, needing to pace up and down while I contemplate what she's telling me. "I can't tell them," I say. "Have you seen them? As if they're going to want me…all of them, and just one of me."
"Why not? You're beautiful inside and out. You have a soft and kind heart and always treat others with respect—you're funny and loyal and interesting and daring. You've had tough times, but you've never resorted to trying to hurt anyone. You're a great person, Kyla, and any and all of those men would be lucky to have you in their lives.”
"Men like that don't share," I say.
"Except they did, didn't they? On the last night, you were all together."
"Only because that's Nash's fantasy. They all stepped in to complete the game."
"And did they seem uncomfortable?"
"No, not at all," I say, recalling just how comfortable they seemed with the whole evening. There was a synchronicity that I hadn't expected from eight very different men. It might not have fulfilled all of their fantasies, but it was electric.
"Well then. They're men who live together, work together and fuck together. Who's to say they couldn't love together?"
"Anyone with some sense in their heads. If they wanted me, they would have told me already. They wouldn't have gone back to treating me like someone they barely know."
Dawn rises from the couch and crosses the room to where I'm standing. Her hands grip my upper arms. "In life, you will never know the answer until you ask the question. Our ability to create the reality we want is directly determined by our willingness to face its opposite. You have to be brave and ask for what you want, or you'll go the rest of your life wondering if there could have been a chance that all of your dreams could come true, and regret that you never took it."
"Or the rest of my life facing up to the fact that I just wasn't enough to deserve my dreams," I say. "You know, I love you, Dawn. I know everything that you're saying to me is based in love and friendship, but I know myself, and I can't fight who I am. It's just making me even more miserable."
Dawn pulls me into a fierce hug, and we stand like that for what feels like several minutes. She's always been there for me, through thick and thin, and I know she always will be, as long as we're on this godforsaken planet. We'll be two white-haired women one day, and I'll still be calculating the risk in everything, and she'll be jumping off buildings attached to a bungee cord. We're just different people. But that's okay. I’ve realized that it takes all kinds of people to make the world go round.
When my friend eventually draws back, she sighs and pats my shoulder. "So, what's your plan, then? ‘Cause, I know you have one!"
"I'm going to quit and try to find something else. Something closer to home."
"Closer to here?"
As I shake my head, the thought that was just dust in my mind begins to crystallize into something more solid. "My lease is up soon. I'm going to move home for a while. See what opportunities come up. Maybe save to try and buy a place so that I have some roots."
"You're going to move home?" Dawn throws her hands in the air and then brings her palms to her cheeks. "You can't be serious. I mean, I love your mom, but she drives everyone crazy. That small town…you were desperate to escape it. You really want to leave all this behind so you can turn back into Kyla one-point-zero…you remember what she was like?"
I do. She was frustrated and lost. The girl who settled for anyone who expressed an interest in her because she didn't ever want to be alone, because she was so desperate not to end up like her momma, because she was desperate to escape a life that felt like it was wrapping its fingers around her neck and squeezing. My dad left us because mom was so crazy with him all the time. I know that my fear of being alone comes from past trauma that I might never be able to face. All I can do is protect myself from more. "I'm not that person anymore," I say, but my voice sounds weak and pleading rather than confident.
"It's a mistake," Dawn says. "But I can't tell you how to live your life. I've tried…maybe that was an error on my part. I might sound like a parent, but maybe you have to make your own mistakes to realize where you're going wrong. I just hope you'll see it and come back."
Her words catch at my heart like fishhooks, and although something whispers in my mind that I'm being stupid, that I don't have to run back to a place that never made me happy, I can't deal with the alternative. So, instead of facing up to my fears and insecurities, I change the subject, knowing that Dawn will never be the first to let it go.