Total pages in book: 107
Estimated words: 104288 (not accurate)
Estimated Reading Time in minutes: 521(@200wpm)___ 417(@250wpm)___ 348(@300wpm)
Estimated words: 104288 (not accurate)
Estimated Reading Time in minutes: 521(@200wpm)___ 417(@250wpm)___ 348(@300wpm)
“What’s wrong?” Maren asks as I open the car door for her. “You’re red.”
“They basically said good fucking luck and sent us home. Now we’re supposed to live with this huge threat hanging over our heads? ‘Oh, it probably won’t happen again, but there is a chance your girlfriend will bleed out at any moment.’ What the actual fuck?”
Maren climbs gingerly into the passenger seat. “What can they do, Tuck? Keep me in the hospital forever?”
At least I’d know you were safe.
I’d know the chances of me losing her were that much less.
Physically, I’m present as I take Maren home. I help her out of the car. I get her comfortable on the boat. I help her into the golf cart, and stop at Stede’s to grab some lunch sandwiches to go while she calls her parents and fills them in on what happened.
Mentally, I continue to spiral. I see threats everywhere. When Maren trips on a warped board on the dock, I dart into action so quickly—curse so loudly—I scare her.
“Seriously, Tuck, I’m okay.” Her brow is furrowed as she searches my face. “I think you need some sleep.”
“I’m fine.”
“You keep saying that. I don’t believe you.”
Neither does my sister, who is just returning to the house after dropping Katie off at school. After Jen fusses over Maren while I make her a plate, she finally looks at me and immediately frowns.
“Oh, Tuck. You look like hell.”
“Thanks. I feel really great after rushing my girlfriend to the hospital because I thought she and our unborn baby were dying.”
Maren pauses mid-bite. “Nobody is dying.”
“What Maren has is a common issue.” Jen puts a hand on my shoulder. “She’s going to be fine and so is the baby.”
I shake my head. “You don’t know that.”
Maren and Jen exchange a glance.
I cover my eyes with my hand. Let out a breath. “I’m sorry. It’s been a long day. Night. Whatever. I’m glad we’re home safe.”
“Why don’t you go get some rest?” Jen says. “I’ll handle Katie. You and Maren head to bed. Any special requests for dinner, let me know.”
Maren’s face crumples a little. “You really don’t have to do that, Jen.”
“I want to. Now go rest.”
“Thank you,” Maren replies before following me to the bedroom. “I’m going to grab a quick shower. Want to join me?”
Ordinarily, she wouldn’t have to ask. We shower together every chance we get. I love being close to her. Can’t get enough of it.
Only now, the thought makes my stomach hurt. Somewhere in the back of my mind I know I want her. I know I need her. But I’m too scared to touch her. What if sex is what triggered this episode?
“You go ahead.” I walk into my closet and grab fresh clothes. “I need to answer some emails.”
I can hear the disappointment—the hurt—in her voice when she says, “Oh. Okay. But you really do need rest, Tuck. Did you sleep at all at the hospital?”
I don’t answer, and she doesn’t press me on it.
I only climb into bed when I’m sure she’s asleep. She looks more beautiful than ever. Hair still curled behind her ear. Full lips slightly parted. I can just make out the curve of her bare breast before it disappears beneath the covers.
My dick leaps. Maren always sleeps naked now. I gave her no choice.
Ordinarily, I’d get naked too. I’d wrap myself around her. She’d wake up. Reach for my dick, I’d reach for her pussy. I’d be inside her in less than a minute. She’d be coming less than a minute after that.
But today I get in bed fully clothed. I stay on my side of the mattress. I’m careful not to wake her. I know she needs her rest. But the dragon in my stomach has dissolved into a pool of dread. I don’t know what’s wrong with me. Rationally, I know we really are safe. We really are fine.
Until we’re not.
I can’t sleep. Instead, I lie awake and relive the moments I thought I’d lost Maren and the baby over and over again. I imagine what it would be like to actually lose them.
And over and over again, the pain hollows me out.
Just the thought of it. That’s enough to make me want to die.
An idea crosses my mind. I can’t get rid of it. It’s happening again, and I’m not going to survive it this time.
I can’t do this.
I can’t fucking lose the woman I love on terms that aren’t mine and not die.
But if I can take control—prepare myself, keep my distance—it might hurt a little less.
If I loved Maren less, losing her won’t hurt as much. Right?
I’m not in my right mind. Deep down I know that. But I still latch onto the plan like a drowning man latches onto a life vest.
I can be there for Maren when it comes to meeting her physical and financial means. That’s easy. But everything else—that’s asking for heartache. And I’ve had enough of that to last a lifetime.