Total pages in book: 24
Estimated words: 21813 (not accurate)
Estimated Reading Time in minutes: 109(@200wpm)___ 87(@250wpm)___ 73(@300wpm)
Estimated words: 21813 (not accurate)
Estimated Reading Time in minutes: 109(@200wpm)___ 87(@250wpm)___ 73(@300wpm)
“So….” I pause, assessing the situation and debating my next choice of words carefully.
“Spill it, Hanna,” she urges.
It works, because like any good case of word vomit, I explode, letting it all pour out of me.
“We aren’t having sex. Well, we have sex, but I mean sexy sex. The kind we used to—kinky, off-the-charts hot, and borderline insane. It’s like we barely have time for vanilla sex. It’s more like a drive-thru type thing. We pull in, order the easiest and fastest thing on the menu, and then we speed off.”
Clicking her tongue, she nods, looking at me intently. “Okay, well, I just got a jackrabbit image I didn’t really care for.”
I nod, both brows lifting. “Yeah, it’s like that. You aren’t wrong,” I tell her truthfully. “I’m sure if you were a fly on the wall, you would think we’re just two inexperienced people trying to get off.”
“Have you talked to him about it? What do you think is causing this?” This time, her expression is much softer.
I rub at my temples, the soft sounds of rain now hitting the window. “Having the twins has made it hard to focus on each other. The boys are needy, and I’m not complaining, but having a three-year-old and eight-month-old twins is exhausting. In the best way.” Mom guilt consumes me.
I wanted this. I wanted to be a mother, and I’m more than blessed, but fuck, being a mom is hard. Not only on me but my marriage. We are solid with raising the kids, but hell, physically, we don’t even know one another anymore, and that is a hard thing to come to terms with, given that—once upon a time—all we knew was our sex life. That’s how we learned one other. That’s what centered us.
“I can imagine. But have you talked to him about it?”
I shake my head. “I don’t even know where to start, Brenda. It’s like we both just move on autopilot. Following the same routine and not ever stepping away from it. I feel like it would be insensitive to bring up the dullness of our sex life.” Theo can handle me telling him a lot of things. But if I were to confess I feel like our sex life is rushed, lacking, or boring, I think he would go into a coma.
“Fair.”
“You get it. Theo is very prideful, especially when it comes to my pleasure.”
Respecting my boundary, Brenda leans in so others can’t hear her next words. “Are you orgasming?”
I blush instantly, but I react accordingly. “Of course. I could look at him and reach that. He isn’t neglecting my pleasure; he just isn’t letting us be the way we used to. I’m worried it’s a me thing,” I finally admit what I’ve really thought is at the core of the problem.
Looking shocked, she questions me. “How in the world would it be a ‘you’ problem? Clearly, you are wanting more.”
I look down at my lap, and my fingers make a game of picking at one another. It’s been so long since I’ve felt insecure. I grew to love being a fat woman. But ever since the twins and the new dynamic of my marriage, I must admit those pesky, terrible, and self-sabotaging thoughts have found their way back in.
“Hanna?” She reaches over the table and gestures for me to give her my hands.
Giving in—because honestly, I need comfort—I place them in hers, and a lone tear escapes. I do nothing to hide it. “I’m sorry. This isn’t that big of a deal, and I don’t know why I’m so emotional over it.”
“Stop that. We aren’t going to tell ourselves we’re too emotional and not allowed to feel. You’ve had big changes in your life,” she reassures me, and I release a deep breath, slowly feeling that heavy weight on my chest start to lift inch by inch.
“You’re right. I think I just haven’t been able to come to terms with how I feel. Or how to see myself as a mother and a wife.”
“What do you mean?” she asks.
“I mean, I just hate that I’m starting to question if I’m more the mother of his children, versus the woman he couldn’t ever get enough of. I want to be both, but I don’t know how to do that. And my body….” I stop, choking back a sob. I don’t want to spiral and go there again. I have come so far with loving my body and breaking down years of self-ridicule.
“Take a deep breath, babe. It’s okay.” Rubbing her thumb over the back of my hand, I turn my face away from her and the other café patrons. Crying in public isn’t the sort of thing I particularly like doing.
“I just want to make sure it isn’t me. But Theo loves me too much to ever tell me differently, and I just need to be reminded of that.”