Total pages in book: 82
Estimated words: 78387 (not accurate)
Estimated Reading Time in minutes: 392(@200wpm)___ 314(@250wpm)___ 261(@300wpm)
Estimated words: 78387 (not accurate)
Estimated Reading Time in minutes: 392(@200wpm)___ 314(@250wpm)___ 261(@300wpm)
No, the cops knocked on her door and drove her to the hospital. They came in the middle of the night, while Peyton and I slept in our beds. I don’t remember that night or much of my time with my father unless it’s through a story or an image. He’s an enigma and someone we talk about. When people around town talk about my father, they talk about a man I don’t even know. My sister and I know him through pictures and other people’s recollection of him. It’s weird to think of my father like that, but there’s really no other way.
No, this is what it felt like when I got the call about Peyton being in an accident even though I already knew something was off. Her loss is something I would’ve felt for the rest of my life, and being on a plane, stuck thousands of miles in the air without any communication with my family was the most unbearable and unimageable part of my life that I never wish to experience again. Knowing my sister was fighting for her life gutted me. I felt her pain, her anguish, and I could hear her cries inside my thoughts. When I closed my eyes, I saw it all, without knowing the truth. She is me and I am her. What I feel now is different. Ben’s a piece of me in ways only Peyton can understand because she’s the same with Noah. I know I have a hard time showing emotion when it comes to Ben because I expect him to know. I expect him to sense what I’m feeling and how much he means to me. It’s taken his diagnosis to show me how I need to be better at showing my affection. Everyone needs reassurances in life, Ben is no different. The small touches that I find enduring aren’t enough for him. He needs to be told and shown what he means to me. I pray I’m not too late.
I pull into the hospital parking lot and don’t slow down when I drive over the speed bumps. The rental car all but bottoms out, but I don’t care. The insurance can pay for it if I’ve done some damage. I park, taking up two spaces and don’t bother correcting the car. It can wait. Ben can’t. I run into the hospital and almost hit the glass doors because the motion sensor doesn’t sense my presence. I have to step back and wave my arms like the frantic woman I am in order for the doors to open. Once inside, I run to the nurse’s station.
“Ben Miller,” I say through ragged breath. “Lynn something or other called me about Ben Miller. Where is he?”
“Your name?” the man behind the desk asks without making eye contact.
“Elle James.”
He stares at me sympathetically and then starts typing. “I’m supposed to ask for your identification, but I went to school with Noah, so I know who you are. Ben’s on the fifth floor. ICU.”
“ICU?”
“I don’t have any other information on my end. They’ll explain more upstairs. I’ve told them you’re on your way up.” He stands and points down the hall. “Go down the hall, take the elevator to the top. When you come off, take the first left, go down the hall and press the button. One of the nurses will come out and talk to you.”
“Thank you.”
The elevator is taking its slow ass time getting to the floor I’m on, regardless of how many times I press the button. I know it doesn’t help, but it feels good to push my finger against the round disc. When the doors finally open, I wait for the people to get off and step inside. There are four other people in here and I can feel them staring at me. Visions of my mom, standing in this elevator and watching the numbers flash above, play in my mind. Only, my father never made it out of the emergency room. He died there, from his injuries.
I’m the last one in the elevator by the time it reaches the fifth floor. Such a small place compared to the hospitals in Los Angeles. I guess in some respects this is better. In others, I’m not sure this is the right place for Ben. Everything I agreed to, with his care being moved here, is coming back to haunt me.
I follow the directions from the nurse downstairs and find the button I’m supposed to press. Someone from the other side of the door tells me they’ll be out in a minute after they ask my name. After what seems to be an eternity, a doctor dressed in scrubs comes out and calls my name.
“I’m Elle James. Where’s Ben?”
“I’m Dr. Franklin,” he tells me. “Let’s go sit.” He motions for me to walk, but I’m frozen in place. I need my mom, my dad, Peyton, or someone to hold me up because my knees are about to buckle.