Total pages in book: 135
Estimated words: 131916 (not accurate)
Estimated Reading Time in minutes: 660(@200wpm)___ 528(@250wpm)___ 440(@300wpm)
Estimated words: 131916 (not accurate)
Estimated Reading Time in minutes: 660(@200wpm)___ 528(@250wpm)___ 440(@300wpm)
Ignoring every danger sign.
She’d probably chalked it up to me committing some petty theft.
But if she knew? There was no way she could ignore it.
“Tell her?” The words came out on a bitter laugh.
Crossing her arms over her chest, Raven cocked her head. “Um, yeah. What, you think you can invite her into this family and just act like you’re someone you’re not? I know you’re scared of what she’ll think, but you can’t start a relationship based on secrets, River. You know those secrets will only eat away at anything you build, and that foundation is going to crumble. And I can’t stand the thought of that for either of you. Both of you deserve so much better than that.”
My head shook. “My whole life is a fuckin’ secret, Raven. You know it’s not safe for anyone if she knows. It’s bad enough I brought her here. That I’m doing this…”
This came out of me like I was confessing a mortal sin. Maybe that was exactly what it was.
“What exactly are you doing, River? Loving someone who needs to be loved? Allowing yourself to be loved?”
I blanched, spirit trying to refute it. My transgressions so dark and ugly there was nothing I could ever do to eradicate the blemishes. Nothing I could do to wash the stains from my hands.
I’d always had the terrible sense that having Raven and Nolan in my life was only temporary. That I got to keep them for a little while only to know exactly what it was like to love with all your heart, and my punishment was going to be getting them ripped away.
Which I guessed was why I’d always spoken of the temporary when it came to Charleigh. Unwilling to believe that I could have anything permanent, even though the promise of its permanence kept getting free of my heart and lips, anyway.
Unable to imagine letting her go.
My attention drifted back out the window. Charleigh and Nolan were both cracking up where they’d toppled to a pile on the ground, rolling around and giggling as they played.
My heart that kept telling lies climbed up to take residence in my throat.
Raven laughed a sorrowful yet glacial sound. “You can’t even admit it, can you? That you love her?”
“I don’t…” I turned my attention to the ground and ran a trembling palm over my face.
Fuck.
Apparently, I couldn’t deny it, either.
Raven sighed, took a step closer, then reached out and took me by the outside of both arms and turned me toward her.
Her hands curled tighter around my forearms and her voice dipped in emphasis. “You think you live a life unworthy of love, River. I know you do. I’ve seen it. I’ve watched it. I’ve felt it. Do you think I haven’t always known how you meet any bit of joy you receive with reticence? How you’re terrified of it? Like it makes you a bad person for accepting it?”
“In case you’ve forgotten, I am a bad person, Raven.”
Disbelief shook her head. “Why don’t you go back and ask any one of those women…any one of those children…if they think you’re a bad person?”
“Raven…” How the fuck did I answer that? Yeah, it meant something, what we did. I’d never regret it, but it didn’t change the rest of it.
“Ask me if I think you’re a bad person,” she goaded.
My sister was always goofing around. Radiating light. But there wasn’t anything light about her right then.
I watched the old ghosts play through her eyes.
The kind of demons you could never fully outrun.
She turned me to face out the window. “How about her, River. Why don’t you tell her and ask her if she thinks you’re a bad person. I’d bet my life that she won’t.”
She paused for a moment before she murmured, “I think she might understand you better than anyone else. More than anyone else could.”
It was right then that Charleigh looked our way, as if she felt the weight of our gazes peering out at them. They were still on the lawn, but she had Nolan on her lap, and she was rocking him back and forth as he pointed at something in the sky and prattled on about something the way he did.
Sun shining all around them, faces lit in the glitter of the day.
I could feel Raven peer up at me. “I told her that you were strong enough to hold her burdens…and I’m willing to bet she’s strong enough to hold yours, too.”
She gave a small shake of her head. “I know what you tattooed on her arm, River, and I have to wonder if that might not have been meant for you, too.”
We stayed like that for the longest time while her words banged around inside me.
“Now if you’ll excuse me, I’m going to start getting ready. I plan to look extra amazing tonight. I have a date.”