Total pages in book: 62
Estimated words: 58142 (not accurate)
Estimated Reading Time in minutes: 291(@200wpm)___ 233(@250wpm)___ 194(@300wpm)
Estimated words: 58142 (not accurate)
Estimated Reading Time in minutes: 291(@200wpm)___ 233(@250wpm)___ 194(@300wpm)
“I’m sorry,” I say after I add another tissue to the growing pile on the floor. I’d stopped crying before Becca arrived, but when I saw the look of concern in her eyes, the tears started again, and they’ve been flowing nonstop for the past several minutes.
“Shhh … you have nothing to apologize for,” she says as she rubs my back. “Let it out.”
“Here I am again,” I wail, and after blowing my nose two more times, I continue. “I guess I’m going to make a habit of coming to you in tears every six months.” Even though it seems like forever ago, it was only earlier this year that Becca was comforting me over my breakup with Justin. “I’m such a loser!”
“Stop it, Jade. I’m not going to let you talk that way. You are not a loser.” Her words are firm, brooking no argument. She lets me cry for a little longer before asking, in a more soothing tone, “What happened? Something with the guys?”
I nod, and wipe my eyes, determined to stop all of the waterworks. “I told them I can’t see them anymore.”
Becca rubs my back, while Rachel offers me the cup of tea that she’d set on the table. Both of them are quiet, waiting for me to continue.
After a sip from the mug, I say, “I know it was the right thing to do, but I already miss them, and it hurts so much.”
“Do you want to tell us what happened?”
I nod again, and tell her about the picnic and the encounter at the bakery today. I’m surprised I’m able to relay all of the details without crying again, though my eyes have probably run out of tears at this point. “Did I do the right thing?” I ask when I’m finished.
Becca is thoughtful for a minute before saying, “Only you can know that.”
She’s right, I guess, but I really have no idea. Doing the right thing shouldn’t feel so horrible, should it?
“It’s a hard situation,” Rachel says.
“I shouldn’t have let myself get involved with them. I knew from the start that things wouldn’t work. I just thought we’d have a bit of fun.”
“But you fell for them,” Becca says, a statement not a question.
I nod and sniffle, suddenly feeling like more tears might be on the way. “They’re such great men. So caring and thoughtful. So much fun to be with. Justin wasn’t any of those things, and I wanted to marry him. I’m so confused.”
“That’s love for you,” Rachel says, sounding much wiser than her nineteen years.
“Love? You think I loved them?” I ask. “Is that why this hurts so much?”
“Unfortunately that’s another question that only you can answer,” Becca says.
I let out a sigh. “Why aren’t I stronger and smarter? I don’t even seem to know my own head or heart.”
“You’re being way too hard on yourself,” Becca says. “Things aren’t always clear at all and it can take a while to figure stuff out.” She gives her sister a quick glance. Rachel spends all of her spare time with her friend Daria, and though Rachel hasn’t outright said that they’re in a relationship, there definitely seems to be something deeper than friendship between them.
Returning her focus to me, Becca says, “Do you think you should have given yourself more time with them, so you could figure out how you feel?”
“They wanted to get serious. They suggested I move in with them, and we were going to start dating. They wanted things to be more official, you know?”
Becca and Rachel nod.
“I didn’t want to lead them on when I knew it couldn’t work.”
But what if things could have worked? What if we lived in a perfect world, like Diesel said. It would be so wonderful to start every day waking up next to them, between them, surrounded by their big, strong bodies and their caring hearts. Eating breakfast with them, taking Barnes for a walk, and then doing whatever.
Even doing chores would be fun if I were with them. And then after spending the day together, night would come … no, I can’t let myself think about our nights together.
“If I’m hurting this much now,” I say, “imagine how much worse I’d feel a month from now, after I’d fallen even deeper. And I didn’t want to hurt them either. I’m afraid I already did.” The idea of me being able to hurt those four gorgeous men is still hard for me to wrap my head around. Me.
“All of those fans they have,” I say, remembering an image of the crowd at their show, “and they chose me. Why would they do that?”
“Of course they chose you,” Becca says with a firm edge to her words. “Why wouldn’t they? But this isn’t really about their choices. You have to decide what’s right for you. You get to make the decision about who and what are right for your life.”