Total pages in book: 67
Estimated words: 62543 (not accurate)
Estimated Reading Time in minutes: 313(@200wpm)___ 250(@250wpm)___ 208(@300wpm)
Estimated words: 62543 (not accurate)
Estimated Reading Time in minutes: 313(@200wpm)___ 250(@250wpm)___ 208(@300wpm)
He turns my wrist and kisses it gently before letting me go. “Soon, little bird,” he says and his voice is soft and drenched with hopelessness.
“It’s going to be okay, Jay,” I tell him, feeling the pain in my heart worsen each second that passes without him looking at me.
I follow his gaze to the broken glass and blood on the tiled bathroom floor. I can clean this up. I can fix this. We can fix this. “I can get you-”
“Go to your room, little bird,” Jay says with authority, cutting me off. My lips part with both disbelief and an objection but he adds, “I love you and I don’t want you to see this right now.”
I love you. I’ve known he loves me. How could we not share this together? Two people so deeply intertwined and whose souls who cling to each other for comfort.
My lower lip wobbles and I reach out to him. I grip onto his shoulder without thinking until I’m clinging to his shirt and realize what I’ve done. But Jay doesn’t react, he just lets me pull him and that hurts me deeper than anything. His fight has waned.
“I love you. All of you, and I’m right here,” I tell him desperately, praying he’ll believe me. Every bit of what I’ve said.
A small trace of a smile forms on his lips and at first I feel like it really will be okay, as if he’ll let me help him the way he needs.
“We should go,” I offer although my words are shaky and my voice lacking confidence. I don’t want him to withdraw.
“I’m not going back,” Jay says with a hard voice. He looks me in the eyes as he tells me, “Go to your room, Robin.”
My stomach sinks and churns. He needs help I can’t give him. Jay kicks a large piece of glass and I look around. It can wait a moment. Just a moment, but I have to force his hand. This can’t happen again.
“I love you, Jay,” I tell him with every bit of sincerity in me and reach up on my tiptoes to plant a chaste kiss on the line of his hard jaw before turning to leave.
“I was never Jay,” I swear I hear him say as I step into the hallway, but when I turn around, he shuts the door faster than I can move, leaving me alone.
Chapter 27
John
Twenty years ago
The ground feels colder today; fall or winter must be coming. It’s hard to know without the bit of light from the windows anymore. He took it away.
“Please,” she asks me again. She’s afraid to ask me for things. At first I thought it was because she was afraid of me. But I think it’s something else. A mix of sympathy and guilt. She shouldn’t have either toward me. I hate it.
I lean my body so I’m closer to her, but still far enough away not to frighten her. She has a habit of inching closer to me; it’s a habit I like. I love it even.
I love that she needs me.
“You don’t have to ask, little bird,” I say her nickname and she does this cute thing where she smiles and avoids my gaze. It almost makes me smile, but I can’t. Not here. This house isn’t a place for happiness. I’ll smile when I get her out of here. Only then.
“Can you hold my hand, Jay?” she asks me softly, her eyes flickering to mine and then back down to the floor.
I pull the blanket up tighter around her and slip her small hand into mine, weaving our fingers together and letting her hold me like she wants to. She’s been calling me Jay since the first day. I should have corrected her, but I don’t want her to call me John. I don’t want to be John. I don’t want this life. I only want to be her Jay.
“I’ll always hold your hand,” I tell her.
“Always?” she asks, and I merely laugh it off in a huff and tighten my hand around hers. Always is such a long way away. Too long to promise. I know it can’t last forever and I won’t make a promise I can’t keep.
I’ll be Jay for her though.
I love her for calling me Jay.
For letting me exist again. Even if it’s only for her.
* * *
***
* * *
The memory is so clear. My head pulses and I try to swallow as I lean against the bathroom counter.
What was I doing here?
Cleaning up the mess you made, a voice, Jay’s voice, says so clearly in my head.
I look up to see who it is when the bathroom door opens, letting in the light from the hallway.
“Jay.” Robin’s voice is quiet, frightened. Jay. My body sways, and a shooting pain in my temple makes me wince. “You need help. I can help you. Please, Jay.”