Total pages in book: 115
Estimated words: 109783 (not accurate)
Estimated Reading Time in minutes: 549(@200wpm)___ 439(@250wpm)___ 366(@300wpm)
Estimated words: 109783 (not accurate)
Estimated Reading Time in minutes: 549(@200wpm)___ 439(@250wpm)___ 366(@300wpm)
A burning pain lodged in my sternum as I moved toward her.
Her father got there first. Thane fell to his knees and pulled his daughter into his arms, gripping her tight as she cried against his chest like a little girl.
Regan was in tears, as were Mor and Callie. Lewis got up and knelt by his sister and father, his hand on Eilidh’s back as he and Thane exchanged deeply concerned looks.
No fucking wonder.
Eilidh had told me over and over again that she was miserable. That she was trying to figure things out. But I hadn’t realized it was this bad.
I hadn’t paid enough attention.
Pushed enough.
Because I was trying to keep her at a safe distance.
I’d failed her.
Twelve
EILIDH
Five months ago
For the first time in years, I felt free.
In hindsight, it seemed obvious that what I’d needed all along was to just admit to the people I loved that I’d made a mistake. And that I hated the person I’d become. In hindsight, the latter especially wasn’t easy to face, let alone confess.
I feared changing my life. Feared disappointing them. Feared no one would take me seriously ever again because I’d made such a colossal error with the path I’d forged so far. Mostly I think I was terrified that if I admitted I didn’t like who I was, they would admit, at least to themselves, that they didn’t like me very much either.
The very thought of that was so painful, I couldn’t bear it.
I hadn’t lied when I told my family about visiting Sean McClintock. I arranged to visit him because I needed to make sure what Mor had overheard was true. It meant confirming it and protecting her so they didn’t find out she was the one who’d told me the truth.
I was sick to my stomach meeting Sean, but he seemed so normal. So nice, actually. I couldn’t forgive him for what he’d done, coming after me or having an affair with my mother, but I was grateful he was willing to meet and be honest with me. Sean told me Francine had been afraid of losing her youth after she gave birth to me. That she didn’t want to be an ordinary wife and mum. She’d wanted excitement. Not to be stuck in a tiny village in the Highlands. That last one had hit its mark because for so long, I’d thought the same. That staying in Ardnoch equated to living an unremarkable life. Francine’s answer was to start an affair with a married man, even though it blew up both their lives.
Somehow discovering my birth mother had cheated on my dad who was so wonderful, and all because she was bored, hit me in a place I never expected. It royally fucked with my head. I saw all the things I hated about myself in her in that moment.
The breakdown in front of my family was the culmination of everything that had happened in the past few years.
The stress of my job, the way the public picked me apart, finding out about Francine, and Fyfe. He was the one person who knew everything I was going through … and he didn’t want me enough to want to risk the status quo. I’d never connected with someone the way I connected with Fyfe. It seemed to me then that if he didn’t want me, there had to be something wrong with me. That everything I’d grown to hate about myself must be true.
That was the breaking point. I had work to do to stop focusing on all the things I didn’t like about myself.
I had to change my life.
Now I had the support of my family to do that.
Mum, Dad, Lewis, and Mor were so concerned after that awful scene, they suggested I speak with someone. Honestly, I felt a ton better just unleashing everything that had been roiling inside me for years. But for them, I agreed to see a therapist.
I had a session a week while I worked on my final season of Young Adult.
And it was my final season.
I’d decided to retire from acting.
While I felt nothing but relief, and with the help of my family and therapy, a sense of excitement about the possibilities of my future, I lost a friendship that mattered to me.
Jasper.
When I refused to sign on for another season of the show, the writers decided it was time to reboot it with a younger cast. The show was, after all, titled Young Adult. Those remaining from the original lineup, including Jasper, were out of a job. And my friend blamed me.
That was crushing.
A person who had stood by me through this crazy business seemed to only find me useful as a friend if I was acting and offering him something in return other than friendship. That awful realization made me more grateful to my family, who had been in constant communication these past few months.