Total pages in book: 86
Estimated words: 85484 (not accurate)
Estimated Reading Time in minutes: 427(@200wpm)___ 342(@250wpm)___ 285(@300wpm)
Estimated words: 85484 (not accurate)
Estimated Reading Time in minutes: 427(@200wpm)___ 342(@250wpm)___ 285(@300wpm)
I grab him in a front headlock. “I might just kick your ass right here.”
He scrambles, weaseling his way out of it. Fuck, this guy is strong. Before I know what’s happening, we’re in full-on wrestling mode in the middle of my bedroom floor.
30
PIPPA
“If you don’t like my blankets, you can go home,” Kerissa says.
I glare at her and pull the purple piece of fabric you can see through over my legs. “It doesn’t even meet the definition of a blanket. This is a glorified sheet.”
“It works. I don’t have overnight visitors unless they’re in my bed.” She shrugs. “Wanna sleep with me? I cuddle.”
“No.”
I frown, thinking about the fact that I could be at Jess’s right now. I could’ve been there last night and all day today. We could’ve spent our first Saturday together sleeping in. I bet he would’ve made me French toast.
My bracelet blinks for the millionth time today.
Every time it’s gone off, I’ve tapped it back. I’ve even tapped it a couple of other times today too. But besides the tapping and a text message this morning that said good morning, I haven’t heard from Jess. He didn’t even reply when I said good morning back.
I asked for this.
I specifically asked for this. And he said yes to my request.
He said he’d always give me what I wanted.
Kerissa yawns. “I’m getting sleepy.”
“Me too. But I don’t know if I can sleep.”
“Want me to stay with you at your house? I can sleep anywhere.”
I frown. “No. I just didn’t want to see the empty boxes anymore.” I fake cry. “I ruined this, Kerissa.”
“Doubtful.”
“It’s embarrassing.”
“It’s my fault,” she says. “But I had no idea he asked you to move in with him, or else I would’ve been more careful with my word choices.”
“This is not your fault. Not even a little. The responsibility of this life fuckup is purely on my shoulders.”
She yawns again. “Cut yourself some slack. I’d probably freak the heck out if Jess Carmichael were worshipping the ground I walk on.”
“Not helping.”
“But, I gotta give it to you—you have some pretty good self-restraint and big balls to do what you did.”
“Kerissa. Not helping.”
“I’m giving you facts. That’s what friends do. If you want friends to blow smoke up your ass, find someone else.” She waits for a reaction, but all I give her is a glare. “I’ll soften it up for you. You’re smart. Witty. Gorgeous. You—”
“Stop.”
“Fine.”
I sigh, pressing my head against the pillow. Instead of meeting fluff, the back of my head hits the sofa. I’m buying her pillows and blankets for her birthday.
“I hate myself. That’s the only excuse,” I say.
Kerissa gets up from the other end of the couch and stretches her arms over her head.
“Nope. I think it’s the opposite,” she says. “I think you love yourself, as one should, and I think you’ve learned to protect yourself from things that hurt you. For example, I balk at passionfruit and toddlers. I’ve been traumatized by both. But you’ve been hurt by people using love as a weapon. Naturally, you’d build defenses.”
I just stare at her. Why does that make sense?
“I’m no therapist or anything,” she says. “But I would venture to say that you can’t just rip down the walls you’ve built over your whole life. It’ll take some time. But maybe you can think about it and be okay with not shouldering the whole thing yourself. That’s all Jess wants, Pip. He wants you to trust him enough to let him help carry the load.”
This coming from the girl who doesn’t believe in soulmates.
“I’m going to bed,” she says. “You can sleep with me if you want, like I said. If not, I’ll see you in the morning, but I’m sleeping in. Kisses.”
“Night, Kerissa.”
She closes her bedroom door behind her.
Is Kerissa right? Have I learned to protect myself to the extent that I’ll never be able to know love? Will I ever trust Jess with my heart?
Because I know I want to. But how?
How do I rip down walls that I erected to keep me safe from love—or a lack of it? Will I ever allow Jess to shoulder some of this shit? Why should I? Why should he?
I sigh, rolling onto my side—and not into Jess’s arms.
What have I done?
31
PIPPA
“I’m going to figure out how to fix this today,” I say, staring at myself in the mirror. “What are the mantras online that they have little kids repeat? I am brave. I am bold. I am beautiful. I am kind.” I pause. “I am not a fool. I am not a coward.”
I groan. That got off track.
There are bags under my eyes. I haven’t cried over this situation until late last night. I think I was numb. But when I left Kerissa’s in the early morning hours because I couldn’t sleep and walked in the door, the sight of the boxes piled around my apartment reminded me of what I could be doing. And where. And with whom.