Total pages in book: 86
Estimated words: 85484 (not accurate)
Estimated Reading Time in minutes: 427(@200wpm)___ 342(@250wpm)___ 285(@300wpm)
Estimated words: 85484 (not accurate)
Estimated Reading Time in minutes: 427(@200wpm)___ 342(@250wpm)___ 285(@300wpm)
“It took me a very long time to detach emotionally from my parents,” I say, my voice hollow. “I had a very … dark time when I felt this crushing loneliness. But it was that or allow myself to be reminded at every possible moment that there was something I was doing that wasn’t good enough.” I blink back tears again. “Or, sometimes, that me as a person was somehow flawed. It didn’t matter if I dotted all the i’s. I dotted them, so they were blemished.”
I walk to the other side of the balcony and face him.
“I’ve managed to make a life I love,” I say, lifting my chin. “And I worked damn hard for it. I can’t imagine having a child with someone and then …”
Hot tears fill my eyes.
“Then what?” he asks, his tone heavy.
“Then have them change their mind.” I wipe my nose with the back of my hand. “Or what if my child doesn’t love me? What if I’m a terrible parent and they grow up hating me? What if I’m really my mother and—”
“Stop.”
“But what if?”
Lightning marks the sky, but it has nothing on the intensity on Jess’s face.
I suck in a breath. “I’m not lovable.”
“Fucking stop it, Pippa.”
“It’s true. There’s something inside me that’s a fatal flaw. I can’t fix it. I’ve tried.”
Tears cascade down my cheeks as I say the things aloud that I’ve never had the courage to say before. Expelling them into the air feels like a dam is breaking, and all of the emotions held hostage by those words come spilling out.
“How? How could you possibly be happy? Look at your life and then look at what it could be and explain to me how you could possibly be happy? I’d hope that maybe you’d grown up. Maybe you had run the defiance that’s nearly ruined your life out of your system.”
“You are the biggest disappointment of my life.”
“My own parents didn’t love me forever, so the chance of some random person choosing to do it for the rest of their life is pretty null.”
I wipe my nose with the back of my hand as the tears keep coming. I can’t stop now—I have to say it all. I have to tell him my greatest fear so he understands.
“No one has ever loved me, Jess.”
His chair scoots back so fast that it falls over, dinging against the sliding glass door. He takes my hand and pulls me into him. His arms wrap so tightly around me, he holds me so close to his chest that I can barely breathe.
My body shakes as I sob against his pink polo shirt that I teased him about all evening. He rubs my back, his chin resting on top of my head, and sways with me back and forth.
The thunder grows closer. In the distance, rain clatters against the tops of buildings and onto the streets. The wind picks up, but Jess holds me like none of that matters.
Finally, he pulls back and wipes my hair out of my face. “I’ve loved you for fifteen years. Doesn’t that count for something?”
I smile sadly. “You’re a fluke.”
“I’m a fluke that’s so in love with you that I can’t think straight.”
I sniffle.
He grins at me. “I heard every word you said. All of it. And you know what?”
“What?”
He holds my face and kisses my forehead. “Even though your parents purport to be highly intelligent, they’re clearly not. They’re missing out on knowing and loving the most wonderful girl I’ve ever known. Their loss, Pip. I absolutely, completely, stupidly love you, and nothing will ever change that. Nothing ever has.”
My heart swells.
“When I said my dream was for happiness, I meant it for me and you. Because the only way I’m happy is if I have you,” he says. “I want to create a life with you that’s a little of mine and a little of yours. I want you to help me make my life better, and I want to do the same for you. I want French toast breakfasts and the windows open and bottles of random wines on balconies while we talk about nothing and everything.”
I smile.
“This is the woman I love—right here. And I want you just the way you are.”
“But what about kids? I won’t change my mind, Jess. How can you give that up for me?”
Please be honest. Please don’t tell me things you think will keep me with you. That would kill me, Jess.
He sighs. “Because kids were a part of the picture—they were never the picture. I come from a large family, Pip. I don’t need to replicate that. I really don’t.” He gently kisses my forehead, my eyes, my cheeks. “I need you to hear me and believe me on this, because it’s the absolute truth. For the last half of my life, it’s only ever been my dream to have you in my life. For you to be mine. The picture was me and you.” He grins shyly. “It’s always only been me and you for me.”