Total pages in book: 100
Estimated words: 98992 (not accurate)
Estimated Reading Time in minutes: 495(@200wpm)___ 396(@250wpm)___ 330(@300wpm)
Estimated words: 98992 (not accurate)
Estimated Reading Time in minutes: 495(@200wpm)___ 396(@250wpm)___ 330(@300wpm)
“I don't know…”
“You don’t know? You almost fucking killed her, Collins.”
“I know.”
“You could’ve killed her.”
“I know.”
“You were willing to steal for your next fix?”
Guilt causes my head to drop forward.
“From the woman your claimed you fucking loved?”
I can’t conjure up more than air no matter how hard I try.
“And then that shit almost led to fucking manslaughter?”
I know I belong in prison.
I don’t belong here.
I don’t deserve to be here.
“What the fuck did going too far to get that next trip look like?”
“I don’t kno-”
“What cost was too fucking great for that next hit?”
“I don’t-”
“Where was the goddamn line, Collins?”
“I didn’t have one!” I roar at the same time I meet his stare. “I didn’t fucking have one!”
The tiniest twitch of his brow is given.
“My entire fucking life was falling apart! And no matter what I did or tried to do I couldn’t fucking stop it! I couldn’t stop my parents from getting divorced! I couldn’t stop my sister from blaming me! I couldn’t stop my brother from being stuck in the middle of our bickering bullshit! I couldn’t get my parents off my ass about my grades tanking and not getting into colleges and Bambi off my fucking back about cheating on her and then she thought she might be pregnant, and I didn’t know how to handle that or tell Pres I might’ve royally fucked up! The only way I could function from day to day or process any of that shit was to get as high as fucking possible! And in doing so I fucking ruined my most sacred drug of all!”
“Being in love.”
“I fucking destroyed it! I let it go like some stupid fucking moron, and then chased it until I literally ran it into the ground while trying to feed the very shit that was supposed to just be a momentary placeholder! I didn’t have any self-control at that point over anything! I didn’t even know who the fuck I was anymore! It was a goddamn miracle I got out of bed every morning! There weren’t lines! There wasn’t sanity! There wasn’t hope! There was absolutely fucking nothing!”
Despite my yelling, Doc maintains his calm demeanor as he always seems to. “Did she press charges?”
Swallowing the large lump in my throat, I slowly shake my head, tears continue to fall without my consent.
“Did you two continue with your relationship?”
“No.” I wipe away the wetness on my cheeks and more immediately takes its place. “I uh…” Air refuses to be gathered. “She um…” Breathing gets more difficult than it has in years. “We didn’t speak again until prom which was just a couple weeks before graduation.”
“Did you try?”
“She changed her number.”
“And?”
“And avoided me at extreme lengths. She started to become withdrawn from a lot of things she used to enjoy doing, stopped hanging out with a lot of people she had gotten mixed up with at the beginning of our senior year, and buried herself in stupid school shit that she knew I wouldn’t step anywhere near like new student orientation, freshman fish day, where the freshman class would come in to tour and experience the campus, and she even joined the L7 club, which went and read weekly to the preschools as well as the elementary kids at the nearby schools. She did everything she could to build a bridge, cross it, and stay the fuck away from me.”
“Did you blame her for that?”
“Not. For. One. Second.” The new tears make themselves comfortable on my cheeks, and I simply let them. “I should’ve been in fucking jail for that shit. That was twice she covered for me when I was fucked up. And that was twice I hurt her. I know neither were intentional-”
“But both were fucking avoidable.”
The bitter veracity in his words burn.
“Collins, you hit fucking bottom. And once you get there, you have to acknowledge that is where you are, or you will indeed figure out how to fucking tunnel yourself even lower. After you committed the other unthinkable act of hurting the original high you were just trying to pass time for, all other activities were meaningless. You convinced yourself, you had to be at the lowest point and anything you did after it couldn’t possibly be as horrible as what you did to her.”
My stare wants to drift away yet knows it shouldn’t.
“This is your prison stint, Collins. Those days behind bars you feel you deserved to do for that bullshit but never did. Newsflash, kid. You’ve done them now.”
Uncertainty flashes in my expression.
“You have held yourself in here long enough. Accept that you made a mistake. Accept that it was your fault. Accept that when you walk out of the front doors of this building your past is behind you. Accept that you are allowed to have a future. Forgive yourself even if you don’t believe she ever will.”