Total pages in book: 86
Estimated words: 82568 (not accurate)
Estimated Reading Time in minutes: 413(@200wpm)___ 330(@250wpm)___ 275(@300wpm)
Estimated words: 82568 (not accurate)
Estimated Reading Time in minutes: 413(@200wpm)___ 330(@250wpm)___ 275(@300wpm)
Roe was surprised Holden had mentioned his family. This was one of the only times he really had—and again, not in much detail. Was that why Holden didn’t want to stay in a small town? Was it that he liked the city and had a life there, or was it because being here somehow made him feel like he was going to become his parents?
“But you didn’t. You got out. You made your own life. Our circumstances play into who we are, but choice is part of the equation too.”
Holden nodded.
“Don’t know much about your parents, but I know you,” Roe added. “You make good choices. You’re responsible. You’re all fucking heart, so whatever you’re afraid of, you shouldn’t be. It’s not you.”
“I know,” Holden replied, then tapped the side of his head. “Up here I get it.” He moved his hand to his chest. “It’s in here that shit gets mixed up sometimes. I just… I know I should be over it by now, but I have a lot of resentment. I grew up too fast—something I don’t want for Sean. My parents never held down a job. They drank and did drugs and partied. Dad knocked me and Mom around—not Marilee, I think because he knew I would fucking kill him if he did. People knew, but no one stepped in. It was ‘family business.’ Just those crazy Barnetts. I have a lot of animosity over that.”
“Shit, man. I’m sorry.” Roe had figured there’d been some abuse, but it was different hearing it.
“Me too,” Holden answered.
“But just because that happened there doesn’t mean—”
“No, I get that. It’s just, I made a decision back then. I was going to get out of there. I was going to be something different and not look back.”
And the city represented different for Holden.
“I spent my life taking care of them in some ways…cleaning when they didn’t, getting money for bills when they didn’t. I was basically a father to Marilee. At first, all that mattered was her, making sure she had what she needed. Then she, um…got into drugs herself for a while.”
“Shit.” Roe hadn’t known.
“It’s a vicious fucking cycle sometimes. So many people we grew up with did. There was nothing else to do but get into trouble. Felt like I let her down, though. Letting that happen.” Holden leaned against the back of the truck, head resting on the rear window.
“There’s no failure there. Not on her part, nor yours. It’s a tragedy, but it happens.”
“I don’t blame her. Gets its claws into you.”
Holden didn’t fault Marilee, but he did himself. That didn’t surprise Roe. Holden…well, he took the weight of everyone he loved on his shoulders. That was a small list of people—he didn’t let a lot in—and Roe felt honored that Holden was trusting him with this. “Yeah, I know.”
“But she kicked it. I kept trying to get her help, but she wasn’t ready. When she was, she came to me. That was what it took—her being ready to make the change. I found the money to get her into rehab. Things were going well for a while, but then I introduced her to Adam, and…I guess in some ways she traded drugs for him, back then.”
Roe knew that was something else Holden blamed himself for. How did he carry all that damned responsibility?
“I tried to tell her that, and…well, we know how it went from there. I lost her. It was a slow, insidious process—Adam moving her far away, limiting contact, making her think I wanted to control her the way our dad had. It’s almost like brainwashing.”
Christ, Roe couldn’t imagine. Marilee had been the most important person in Holden’s world, and he’d lost her; she’d run from him. “You know she loves you, right? She hurt you, she made a mistake, but she loves you.”
“Yeah. I do.” He picked at the label on his beer. “I don’t blame her.”
No, Holden saved that for himself.
“They still alive? Your parents?”
“Last we heard, they are. Don’t have anything to do with them.” He took a drink. “Shit. I didn’t mean to get so heavy. Don’t know why I did. I don’t typically share stuff like that.”
“Thank you for trusting me with it.”
Holden nodded.
They finished eating and kept talking, keeping the conversation light. They each drank a couple of beers, then switched to water. When they had to piss, they jumped out of the truck and did it in the field, neither of them making a move to leave.
Before Roe knew it, evening turned to night. He kept lanterns in the truck, so he turned those on, and they stayed there, listening to the sounds of nature—crickets and frogs all around them. Good thing he kept mosquito repellent with him too.
Damned if he didn’t wish this night would never end.
“Take off your clothes,” Roe said.