Total pages in book: 21
Estimated words: 20548 (not accurate)
Estimated Reading Time in minutes: 103(@200wpm)___ 82(@250wpm)___ 68(@300wpm)
Estimated words: 20548 (not accurate)
Estimated Reading Time in minutes: 103(@200wpm)___ 82(@250wpm)___ 68(@300wpm)
“How did she react?”
“She was amazing. I really liked her, and for the first month, she was the only one I told. She went over all my options with me. She even went to my host family with me when I told them. And she never made me feel pressured, so it was nice to have her to talk to. When I decided on adoption, she said she knew a couple who was looking to adopt, but they wanted a closed adoption because they were scared I would change my mind in the future. But she vouched for them and I trusted her, so she helped us get a lawyer and was by my side through the whole process. And even though she knew the host family, she never tried to persuade my decision.”
I don’t want to interrupt her, because I’ve been wanting to know all of this since the day I found out she’d had a baby, but I can’t get past that tidbit of information she just shared. “Wait,” I say. “This teacher. She knows who adopted the baby? Can’t we reach out to her?”
Six looks deflated when I ask that. She shakes her head. “I agreed to the closed adoption. We all signed legal paperwork. And despite all that, I’ve called her twice since I’ve been back, begging her for information. Her hands are tied. Legally and ethically. It’s a dead end, Daniel. I’m sorry.”
I deflate at that news, but try not to show it. I nod and kiss her forehead reassuringly. I feel stupid even assuming she hadn’t tried that avenue already. I feel stupid that I haven’t tried any avenue at all. I haven’t even offered. Now that I’m looking at this situation as a whole, I’m surprised she still puts up with me.
I keep her talking so she can’t focus on the same thing I’m focused on—how much I suck.
“What was the delivery like?”
“Hurt like hell, but it went pretty quick. They let me keep him in my room for an hour. It was just me and him. I cried the whole time. And I almost changed my mind, Daniel. I almost did. But it wasn’t because I thought he’d be better off with me. It was because I didn’t want to hurt. I didn’t want to miss him. I didn’t want to feel the emptiness I knew I was going to feel. But I knew if I kept him, it would just be for selfish reasons. I was worried how it would affect me.” She wipes at her eyes before continuing. “Before they came and got him, I looked down at him and I said, ‘I’m not doing this because I don’t love you. I’m doing it because I do.’ That was the only thing I said to him out loud before they came for him. I wish I would have said more.”
I can feel tears stinging at my own eyes. I just pull her closer to me. I can’t imagine what that was like for her. I can’t imagine how much pain she’s been in this whole time. I can’t believe I thought it was because of me. I’m not significant enough to cause someone the kind of pain having to say goodbye to your own child causes.
“After the nurse took him away, she came back to my room and sat with me while I cried. She said, ‘I know this is the worst day of your life. But thanks to you, it just became the best day of two other people’s lives.’” Six inhales a shaky breath. “That made me feel a little better in that moment. Like maybe she saw adoptions happen a lot and she could tell it was hard for me. It made me feel like I wasn’t the only mother giving up her child.”
I shake my head adamantly. “You didn’t give him up, Six. I hate that phrase. You gave him a life. And you gave his new parents a life. The last thing you did was give up. You stood up.”
That makes her cry. Hard. She curls into me and I just hold her, running my hand gently over her head. “I know it’s scary because we don’t know what kind of life he has. But you don’t know what kind of life he would have had if you would have kept him. And you’d have this same fear if you made that choice—wondering if you should have given him to someone who could afford to care for him. There’s so much unknown to swim around in and that’ll probably always be there. You might always feel disconnected. But you have me. I know I can’t change what you went through in the past, but I can make you promises. And I can keep them.”
She lifts her face from my chest and looks up at me with red eyes and a little bit of hope. “What kind of promises?”