Total pages in book: 151
Estimated words: 142976 (not accurate)
Estimated Reading Time in minutes: 715(@200wpm)___ 572(@250wpm)___ 477(@300wpm)
Estimated words: 142976 (not accurate)
Estimated Reading Time in minutes: 715(@200wpm)___ 572(@250wpm)___ 477(@300wpm)
“You made me so angry that day with your no smiles, no friendship mandate. It was the stupidest thing I’d ever heard. And to make matters worse you kept contradicting and breaking your own dumb rules.”
“If it’s any consolation, I thought they were dumb even as I was saying them. And I kept breaking them because you’re irresistible as fuck. I was never going to stick to those rules. I enjoyed spending time with you too much.
“And as your pregnancy progressed, I began to panic. I read anything I could find about fetal development and possible complications to the mother. Because, while my feelings toward the baby remained undefined, I was falling hard for you… and I was terrified that something would happen to you. Every time you were sick or dizzy, whenever you looked off or tired, I spiraled and doom scrolled for any explanation under the sun that could cause those particular symptoms in pregnancy.”
“It’s called being pregnant, Cade,” she told him gently, and he winced.
“I know that, okay? But naturally everything you find on the internet leads straight to possible worst-case scenarios. All I wanted was to keep you safe… and it felt like pregnancy was the biggest risk of all. And I think that contributed to my complex feelings toward the baby as well. I felt like I could lose you—in more ways than one—and it would be his fault.
“The way I felt started to change after that interview with Mike Holmes, when you walked out? I was panicking like a damned idiot, unsure of how to even begin looking for you when I realized that I couldn’t do it anymore. I couldn’t pretend that baby had nothing to do with me. I didn’t want to. I wanted the opportunity to know him, love him. Take care of him. I wanted to share in your obvious joy in this pregnancy, but I felt so far removed from it. Like an intruder, unwelcome and unwanted. And I wasn’t sure how to fix that.”
“Oh Cade,” she whispered, dropping her head on his shoulder. She took his large hand and sandwiched it between the mound of her stomach and her palm. “I wish I’d known; I would have included you more.”
“It was easy to fall in love with you, Fern. You’ve changed my life, improved my relationships with my siblings, with my father. You bring me joy, make me laugh and feel less alone. You fill up every empty space inside of me and make me whole. I hate being apart from you and love coming home to you. And I feel like there’s so much more for us to discover about each other and that excites me. I look forward to every day because I know you’ll be there.
“I don’t want to lose you. I hope you’ll choose to stay with me. But in the end, part of loving you means wanting what’s best for you. And if you believe that I’m not what’s best for you…” He shook his head, hand rubbing gentle circles on her stomach. “I’m not going to lie, Fern, that doesn’t really bear thinking about. I truly hope I won’t have to find out what I’d do if that was your decision. But I believe it would be whatever would make you happiest. Because that’s what I’ve been put on this earth for, Fern—making you happy. And if making you happy means letting you go then I’d—I’d…”
His voice choked up and she tilted her head back to look into his agonized face. She knew what he wanted to say and knew he would follow through on the unspoken words if he had to, but she could also see that verbalizing them was near impossible for him.
“You’d let me go?” she finished for him and he gritted his teeth, eyes glittering with emotion, and nodded.
“For an awful, life shattering moment after you fell…” he whispered hoarsely. “I thought you weren’t breathing, Fern. I thought I’d lost you. And it nearly destroyed me. I find I can’t physically talk about voluntarily giving you up after a scare like that. Not now. Maybe not ever.”
“You won’t have to give me up, Cade. I love you too. I’ve always liked you, but I think I fell in love with you when you gave me this bracelet.” She lifted her hand slightly to point to her medic alert bracelet, before lowering it back to his hand. “Nobody but my mother had ever been so concerned for my well-being before. I mean you were so considerate of my every need even before that. Worrying about the sun and peanuts and peppering Dr. Khan with all those worst-case scenario questions… but this bracelet. I felt so special.”
“It wasn’t anything special,” he muttered, sounding a little self-conscious.
“I thought it was. It was special enough to make me fall in love with you. I was halfway there already, but this just tipped me all the way over. After that, I couldn’t imagine ever leaving you. But I felt like I had to consider a life apart from you. I didn’t want you to feel trapped. I knew you didn’t feel the way I did about the baby.”