Total pages in book: 67
Estimated words: 63100 (not accurate)
Estimated Reading Time in minutes: 316(@200wpm)___ 252(@250wpm)___ 210(@300wpm)
Estimated words: 63100 (not accurate)
Estimated Reading Time in minutes: 316(@200wpm)___ 252(@250wpm)___ 210(@300wpm)
“Can I ask you something?” I nod, giving him permission. “If this whole situation played out the same way, with your mom needing you home, but you were still married to him, would you come to me?”
“Do you mean would I have an affair with you?” I question.
“Yeah, would you have had an affair with me, would you explore things between us while you were married to someone else?”
“No,” I say without even having to think about it. I may have wanted to, but there is no way I would do that. “When I took my vows, I took them seriously, in hopes that the feelings I felt for him would grow into more with time. I know I didn’t love him the way I should have, but I tried.”
“That’s my point, Lea. He fucked up; you have nothing to feel guilty about. He should have told you straight up that he wanted a divorce before he went out and fucked around on you. That’s not on you. It’s on him. I know it sucked for you, but he fucked up, not you.”
“I felt relieved,” I whisper, lowering my gaze once more.
“Pardon?” He asks dipping his face towards mine so he can see my face.
Clearing my throat, I lift my gaze to his and explain myself. “I felt relieved when I had a reason to divorce him.” I confess feeling tears drip onto my hands, which are gripping the coffee cup in my hands tighter.
“Why didn’t you have kids with him?”
I lift my head and my lips part. When Austin and I were young, we talked often about having children and the kind of parents we would be. I have always wanted to be a mother, and I wanted a baby with Ken, but he always told me the timing wasn’t right, that we should wait. He always had a reason not to try, until eventually I stopped talking to him about it, and it just became another ache deep inside me that would never be fulfilled.
“I know you, Lea. I know you wanted kids. Not just one, but five, I can’t imagine you not making your desire known.”
“I told him.”
“And, he told you no?”
“Yeah.” I shrug like it didn’t hurt every time I brought it up and he told me no.
“What did he give you?” he demands harshly.
“What?” I ask, confused.
“What did he give you that would make you stay loyal to him?”
“I don’t understand your question.” I shake my head.
“He wanted your love, Lea. He had you, but still wanted more. But what was he giving to you that would make you love him with every part of you?”
“He didn’t have to give me anything for me to love him,” I say, offended.
His voice softens along with his face as he reaches out touching my cheek. “You’re wrong, baby. That’s what love is—two people fulfilling the needs of the other person, giving the person what they want, what they need,”
“How can you feel like that?”
“Because, Lea, I know what I would have done if it was me.”
“But he wasn’t you.” And that is the point, isn’t it? No one would ever be Austin for me. No one would ever be able to fulfill the empty space I had inside me from his absence over the last fifteen years. No one but him
“No one has ever been you for me either, baby,” he says, and I hold my cup a little bit tighter as his words wash over me, like a balm that soothes and heals. I have no idea where this will lead between us, but it feels good to have him here to talk to.
“What about you?” I ask, studying him.
“What about me?”
“You know about my past, but I don’t really know much about yours,” I prompt.
“I’ve had a few relationships, cared deeply about a few of the women I was with, and wanted to be able to take the next step with one of them, but could never do it.”
I have a feeling I’m going to regret asking, but still, the words are out before I can think better of it, for the sake of my own heart. “What do you mean?”
“Thought I was in love once. She was messed up over her ex, but I still believed that if things worked out in the end that she would be mine.”
“Oh.” My heart drops into my stomach from a sharp, unexpected pain.
“She moved away and ended up back with her ex, who she had a baby with. They worked things out and are still going strong. I cared about her; she’s a good woman, but we weren’t meant to be. I’m happy for her. She deserves happiness.”
I lift my cup to my lips, taking another sip, not tasting anything as I swallow it down. I have no right to feel the tendrils of jealousy that are wrapping around me, but I do feel them, like a million barbs tightening around my stomach and lungs, strangling me.