Total pages in book: 150
Estimated words: 136791 (not accurate)
Estimated Reading Time in minutes: 684(@200wpm)___ 547(@250wpm)___ 456(@300wpm)
Estimated words: 136791 (not accurate)
Estimated Reading Time in minutes: 684(@200wpm)___ 547(@250wpm)___ 456(@300wpm)
January tried to kill herself? What the fuck? Why didn't anyone tell me?
"She…what?"
Hernandez steps away from the wall like he's trying to give us space. Roman and Santiago take up positions around me and Mariah, blocking us in to give us a little bit of privacy from the rest of the room.
"I found her in the bathroom the day you told her what happened with Titan," Mariah whispers as more tears spill down her cheeks, leaving behind a trail of mascara. She doesn't bother wiping it away, not even when it drips off her chin and lands in inky black splotches on her white t-shirt. "There was blood all over the place where she hit her head. I thought she was dead. She told me she thought about it, that she tried to take a bottle of pills, but that she couldn't go through with it."
"Fuck me," I groan, another shot of pain piercing my already mangled heart. My girl went through that alone, and I didn't fucking know. I never should have told her about Titan. "I should have been there. It was my fault."
"Bullshit," Mariah snaps, still pissed and crying. "You blame yourself, and January blames herself, but neither of you is responsible for what happened then, and you aren't responsible for her feeling like that now either. Titan loved both of you. He made a stupid decision because he was Titan, and no one told Titan what to do. He went to Kaleo on his own, and then Kaleo manipulated him into a shitty situation. That's not on you. It's not on January. It's on the Diablos who killed him. It's on Kaleo. They're the reason Titan and Ms. Jana are dead. Not January. Not you. It's not her fault she survived, and they didn't. It's not your fault that you survived either, Michael."
I open my mouth and then close it, unable to force out sound as the truth in her words hits me hard.
I think…I think she's right. We survived, and they didn't. That's why we feel so goddamn guilty.
We were happy and we didn't realize how bad things were for Titan, and we've been punishing ourselves for it ever since. We both feel so fucking guilty for being young and in love. We both feel so goddamn awful for not being able to predict the future.
We've been punishing ourselves for seven years for surviving. We cling to guilt and blame and shame just so we don't have to face the truth: We're still alive, but Titan and Jana aren't. And it fucking hurts. That bleak truth hurts like hell.
But even if we punish ourselves for another decade, it won't change anything. It won't bring him or Jana back. They're gone because a bunch of soulless pricks decided their pride and property were more valuable than human lives.
The callousness of that fact is incomprehensible. It's unfathomable. Shit like that…there is no way to understand it. But punishing ourselves isn't going to change it. It hasn't yet. It never will.
"I need her," I whisper to Mariah, the God's honest truth. "I need her to live. I can't…I've been without her for so long. I can't do this without her anymore. I can't move on without her."
I don't want to face a future without January in it. Not because she makes it hurt less or because I'm afraid, but because she's the only thing that makes me happy. I see her, and I feel like I'm home…like I'm safe. No one else has ever come close to making my entire goddamn soul light up just by smiling at me. She does, though. She always has. I need her to live. Not to survive. Not to make it through each day still breathing. But to fucking live. And I'm pretty sure that's what Titan and Jana would want for both of us. For us to live.
Losing them will always hurt. The fact that they were brutally murdered will never be okay. But we can't keep doing this to ourselves. I can't keep doing it to myself and then expect January to do any differently. We have to face this whether we like it or not.
But we don't have to face it alone. We don't have to grieve and hurt and fight to survive alone.
I don't want to be alone anymore. I don't want to be in Washington, dying because the only girl I've ever loved isn't in my arms where she belongs. I don't want her two states away, thinking about killing herself because I'm not here to carry some of that burden for her.
She has to survive this because I can't do this shit without her.
"She needs you, too." Mariah cocks her head to the side before shooting me a glare that would make lesser men tremble. "So get your shit together, Michael, and get up off the floor because I refuse to lose my best friend to that piece of shit. January isn't dying because we aren't going to let her."