Total pages in book: 59
Estimated words: 54852 (not accurate)
Estimated Reading Time in minutes: 274(@200wpm)___ 219(@250wpm)___ 183(@300wpm)
Estimated words: 54852 (not accurate)
Estimated Reading Time in minutes: 274(@200wpm)___ 219(@250wpm)___ 183(@300wpm)
“Yes, so I gathered.” No matter what Finn said, I still felt a bit silly, like someone who had made a big fuss about nothing at all. “The doctor mentioned medication and therapy. Mother will be thrilled to have her recommendations seconded.”
“Well, given your family history, you did the right thing, getting it checked out.” Finn gave my neck a last squeeze before dropping his hand to mine. “And if they have a medication that could help you, then that’s good news, right?”
“I suppose.” I traced his fingers, trying to memorize their contours and calluses. “Are you still mad at me?”
“Frustrated. Not mad.” He exhaled as he watched a group of twenty-somethings in Moo U shirts playing some sort of laughing and shoving game as they crossed to the Marketplace. “I still don’t understand why you couldn’t tell me you were having pains and that you needed to go to Boston. I could have gone with—”
“Exactly. You would have taken time away from the farm, where your family needs you so much right now.” I firmed up my voice because I too was frustrated. Frustrated with my body and frustrated with the situation. “I refuse, utterly refuse, to be an additional burden on you.”
Finn blinked and shifted away. “That’s ridiculous. I thought we had something more than a hookup going on here, Harrison.”
“We did. Do. We do.” Sweat gathered along my back that had nothing to do with the August temperatures. Finn’s use of the past tense had jumbled up every remaining brain cell I had.
“So if it’s a real relationship, am I a burden because I could someday get glaucoma?”
“No, of course not.” My denial was swift and sure, but my nerves were rattling. I set my jaw as a young child dragged a toy against the stair rail while his mother hovered nearby. More audience for our disagreement.
“Or injured?” Finn continued on in that reasonable tone as the mother scooped up the toddler and toy and hurried up the stairs. “There are a lot of risks in what I do. Accidents happen.”
His mouth and his voice were tight, and I could see the memory of his dad in his eyes. I patted his leg. I admired Finn and his resiliency so much. I wished I could figure out his secret, the way he was able to put aside worry and live his life in a way that I didn’t seem capable of.
“I know. I know life is full of uncertainty. I do worry about you—”
“See? You’re allowed to worry about me, but I can’t worry about you?” The hurt in the question made me wince.
“You have so many other worries.”
“You think I don’t have room for you?” The hurt became resignation. Or worse, disappointment.
My eyes burned. I’d let him down, and all I’d ever wanted was to protect him, even if that meant from me.
“I’m not saying that. You’re an amazing partner. The best. But the farm comes first. I know that, and I lo—I appreciate that trait in you, so much. I want to be a help to you, not another thing for you to try to fix and manage.”
“So, you’re only in this thing if you’re healthy?” Finn brushed imaginary dirt from his pants.
He looked nice, clean jeans and a shirt with buttons. He’d probably changed and showered before coming to see me, and now it was breaking my heart. That, and all the ways I’d hurt us both by doing the right thing.
“That’s not what I mean, precisely.”
“What do you mean, precisely?” Standing, Finn glared down at me. “What are you going to do if they call with bad news tomorrow?”
“I’ll deal—”
“Alone, yeah, yeah. Got that part. Don’t dodge the question. Are you going to insist on breaking up if the doctor says you have some sort of heart condition?”
“I…I’m not sure.” I sank back against the bench, stunned by my own admission. But I knew down to my marrow that I’d do what I thought would be best for him, save him from getting too attached. A little hurt now was nothing compared to a crushing loss later.
“I see.” His cold voice was almost enough to freeze the muggy August air.
“Now you actually are mad.” I stood too. “And this is what I’ve tried to tell you. I’m a bad bet for a long-term relationship.”
“No, you think you are a bad bet. That’s different.”
“What do you want me to do?” I raised my voice then promptly lowered it as an older couple passed by us. I could not think of a worse place to have this talk, not that one of our places or the phone would have been any better. “Ignore the risks?”
“Yes.” Finn reached for my hand, squeezed it. “If you’re in this thing with me, if what you feel for me is real, then be here. Be here now. Regardless of what the test results say. Be all in, not one foot out the door.”