Total pages in book: 90
Estimated words: 88218 (not accurate)
Estimated Reading Time in minutes: 441(@200wpm)___ 353(@250wpm)___ 294(@300wpm)
Estimated words: 88218 (not accurate)
Estimated Reading Time in minutes: 441(@200wpm)___ 353(@250wpm)___ 294(@300wpm)
But the crappy thing about panic is it doesn’t magically disappear because you acknowledge the cause.
I can’t face Hollywood alone, and even if I’d have Denver by my side once again, I can’t help reminding myself how he left me once before. All the guys from Eleven abandoned me.
After eating crappy food in the hotel restaurant, where I’m thankfully not recognized, I make my way to my room to try to nap, but it’s pointless.
I check my phone a dozen times, and I’m thrown back to the last time I went running home with my tail between my legs. I waited a long time for someone in Hollywood to notice I was gone or for someone to care. After a while, the stark reality hit me that no one did.
Except for Cameron.
Then, of course, I start thinking about what I am going to do seeing as I can’t go back to my old life. Expand the Christmas tree farm? I like working with my hands and being outdoors, but it’s not like it has ever been my calling to be a lumberjack. After Dad died, the lumber side of the business took a huge hit and had dried up by the time I left for college. If it hadn’t been for Eleven, we would’ve lost the land that’s been in our family for generations. The loans and land taxes were building up, and thanks to my career, I saved it.
But what am I going to do now?
Sleep eludes me, which leads me down the rabbit hole of checking entertainment news. Big mistake. Masochism and impulse control issues are really fun.
The internet is blowing up with rumors of an Eleven reunion after our performance, and as I watch back the video of us singing together, that spark of this is what makes the bullshit worth it tries to ignite inside me, but it flames out fast.
We were saying goodbye to one of the biggest music managers in the industry—someone important to us—and all the media can talk about is whether or not we’re going to cut another album. It’s disgusting.
When I do finally drift off to sleep, it’s not the media, the life, or performing that I’m thinking of. There are only thoughts about a boy. A man. My best friend, my rock, and the only person in this world I could break the vow I made myself when I climbed out of his bed this morning.
I said I’d never let myself go back, but I’ve been away from him for mere hours, and I already miss him.
Aside from my brief appearances on Fandom, I wasn’t working while I was staying in his house, but unlike in Montana where not working dragged me into depression, with Denver by my side, I didn’t long for something to fill my time.
He balances my life just by being there.
Fuck, what am I doing?
When someone dies, you abandon everything they wanted for you. It’s totally emotionally sound and completely logical.
Despite my brief what-the-fuck moment I had last night, when I finally crash out and wake in the middle of the night, I push on and keep driving north even if the voice inside my head has changed its tune and wants me to turn around.
I should be relieved when I pull into my street, or, I don’t know, I should feel like I have accomplished something. It’s a big choice, leaving behind the glitz and glam of fame. I did it once before with regrets. This time there’s nothing but finality. Or … there should be.
When I open the gate to my home, I’m numb. As I drive along the winding road leading to the monstrosity I built, still numb. And when I stop the car in the circular driveway, I stare out at the five-bedroom wood-and-stone structure and remember a time where I wanted to fill it with kids and a wife and have that everlasting kind of love you only see in movies.
When I learned the reality, that love is messy and happily ever afters are hard work, I gave up that dream. But looking at my empty house, I realize that sometime while living with Denver, those thoughts of forever might have crept back in.
It was so easy to be with him. It was confusing but easy. We know each other inside and out, and being intimate with him only brought us closer together. Our bond deepened to a level I never knew existed. I’ve thought I’ve felt what forever feels like before, but it’s incomparable to what I began to feel for Denver.
Why am I here, a thousand miles away, running from that?
I’m a fucking idiot.
I’m so distracted by the millions of thoughts running through my head, I barely notice when I bypass another car parked in my drive and think nothing of it.