Total pages in book: 66
Estimated words: 63311 (not accurate)
Estimated Reading Time in minutes: 317(@200wpm)___ 253(@250wpm)___ 211(@300wpm)
Estimated words: 63311 (not accurate)
Estimated Reading Time in minutes: 317(@200wpm)___ 253(@250wpm)___ 211(@300wpm)
“It probably seemed like more at the time.”
“Maybe. That’s the problem with humans. We have to label every feeling, make it significant, and blow things out of proportion. Call it love. When it falls to shit, it seems like the end of the world instead of a natural disconnect.”
“Ew. You are a love Scrooge.”
“I’m a realist.” He twisted on the bench. “Assigning precious labels gives a false sense that we can know someone when our perspective is always hopelessly one-sided. And in my experience, the unknowable fucks you right up every time.”
I furrowed my brow. “Are you talking about trust? Did Tom betray you or—”
“No, and I didn’t betray him. Not in the way you’re thinking. We simply…drifted,” Graham admitted. “I worked constantly and after I’d managed to get out from under Blower’s thumb, I was busy building an empire. My focus changed.”
“But you’re out and proud now. Is that a recent development?”
“No, I’ve been out for over fifteen years, I think,” he replied. “I never made an official statement, but when I turned up at a banquet with a male date, the jig was up. And you know, other than the initial twitters of surprise, it was rather a nonevent. For me as well. I’d lost a few of the reasons I’d held onto my secret for so long—my father was dead, my relationship was over, and I worked for myself. It didn’t matter who knew.”
“And you’ve never had a serious boyfriend since?”
He shook his head. “No, have you?”
“No, but we’re not talking about me. C’mon, if you hadn’t figured this out yet, let me make it clear…I’m the king of bad choices. I fall for guys I should steer clear of. My boyfriends in college were party boys with mild coke problems, and you already know about the professor, so in a way, this”—I gestured between us—“is the healthiest non-relationship relationship I’ve ever been in.”
Graham’s smile met his eyes this time. “Good. I feel the same. Let the ghosts have their love stories, Ray-n. I don’t believe in that nonsense. Love is a daydream. It’s a fantasy, much like a siren’s song. We want to attach meaning to feelings and physical sensations, but really, love is just a word.”
I frowned and punched his biceps. “Hey, that’s a step too far. Love is real. Don’t make a mockery of something beautiful. Just because your last relationship didn’t work out doesn’t mean you’ll never find someone special. Fuck, I hope that’s not true for me. I don’t want to be a lonely ghost, peeking at computer screens over humans’ shoulders and haunting libraries for trivia no one cares about. I want that fucking fantasy before I kick the bucket, damn it.”
“I hope you find it. But if we’re ghosts together, I’ll come find you so you won’t have to haunt libraries alone.” His eyes crinkled merrily as he kissed my knuckles.
“Now see…that was romantic,” I purred. “It makes me think you aren’t a hopeless case. I bet you’ll find—”
“No, I won’t.” He pulled away as if I’d zapped him with a cattle prod. “It’s not for me. I’m…”
“What?”
Graham let the silence stretch uncomfortably. This was my cue to change the subject. I didn’t do well with negativity and while I knew there was no chance he and I could ever be a thing, I didn’t like having bald truths flung at me like cow turds. Part of me needed to believe that anything was possible. Even us.
But he set his hand on my knee and quirked a sad smile. “I wouldn’t put myself or a partner through heartache again. The business is my number one. It’s not a great love, but it’s validation enough for me.”
“Validation?”
“That’s all love is, right? A profound word used as proof of the highest level of affection. But it’s only a word. Money is power, and power is freedom. No one can use fear as a tool if you have the upper hand.”
“That’s so…cold.”
He shrugged. “Life can be cold. We adjust. We’re very different people, Ray-n. You grew up with acceptance. Your sexuality was always a strength, not a weakness. I didn’t have that. I lived with shame for many years, and it probably doomed Tom and me. He wanted a man who was proud to be with him in public. I couldn’t be that man. Not then. It wasn’t meant to be and that’s alreet, but why go through that again? It’s pointless. Sex, yes. Love…no.”
I furrowed my brow hard enough to give myself a headache. “I’m sorry you got hurt, but—”
“Don’t be. Breakups happen. It’s life.”
“Okay, but it still sucks.”
“Maybe, but you move on and you adapt. And now, I choose solitude, Ray-n,” he said vehemently. “I choose it. It’s my choice. It’s okay to be alone.”
The hint of desperation in his tone gave me pause. I studied his strong profile and the firm line of his mouth and for the first time noticed the cracks in his armor. I didn’t think Graham was as immune to loneliness as he claimed to be.