Total pages in book: 67
Estimated words: 60864 (not accurate)
Estimated Reading Time in minutes: 304(@200wpm)___ 243(@250wpm)___ 203(@300wpm)
Estimated words: 60864 (not accurate)
Estimated Reading Time in minutes: 304(@200wpm)___ 243(@250wpm)___ 203(@300wpm)
He was deep asleep again by the time I let out a sigh in response to the kiss, and I lay there with him, just enjoying the feeling of being wrapped up and feeling so safe. After a little while, he woke up and propped himself up on his elbow so he could lean over and kiss me.
“How does coffee sound?” he asked.
“Incredible,” I said.
He nodded and kissed me again. “Then I’ll be right back.”
He disentangled himself from me and climbed out of bed. I immediately regretted him leaving it. I didn’t like the cold feeling beside me or not having his body pressed up against mine. Trying to make up for some of it, I wiggled over onto his side of the mattress and sought out his warmth in the fibers of the sheets.
A few moments later, he came back into the room with two cups of coffee. He’d watched me make mine during our morning exchanges enough times to know exactly how I liked to drink it. He handed me a cup that looked and smelled absolutely perfect, then lifted up the blankets to get back into the bed beside me.
The pressure of his thigh nudging against mine pushed me back over onto my side of the bed, but as soon as he settled into place, I moved closer to him again. Derek propped up our pillows so we could rest back against them, then wrapped his arm around me. I cuddled into it, holding my mug with both hands and draping one leg over his in a move I realized was somehow both casual and protective.
We sipped our coffee and talked for a while. Both of us were careful not to bring the conversation to the topic of Jack or what we were going to do. I didn’t want to acknowledge any of it right then. I just wanted to relish our bubble and think about everything else later.
When the caffeine had kicked in, it was time to get up and go into the kitchen for breakfast. This time, we cooked it together. We moved through the space together smoothly, not getting in each other’s way and seeming to intuit exactly what we were each supposed to do.
I couldn’t help but feel that this was the same kind of domestic experience I had been fighting for a long time. Of course, the big difference when it came to Derek was that I picked him. He hadn’t been thrown at me, and I hadn’t been offered up on a silver platter to pair with him. Not even a silver platter. That would almost seem fancy. I’d been offered up on a legal pad.
It was also a distinct benefit that Derek wasn’t gay. I adored Lincoln. I loved him like another brother. But I also knew he didn’t want to marry me either. There was a brief time when he considered that I might be the perfect cover for him. If we got married, I could act as his beard, and he wouldn’t have to deal with the stress and complication of telling his family he was gay. He knew they would never accept it, and they would do everything they could to make his life miserable.
He didn’t want to give up the future opened up for him by his family’s wealth and power. He wanted the career and the position in society. Not the same way as my parents, but more because it was what he knew and what he wanted for his future. I knew him well enough to know he envisioned himself living that life with a man he loved by his side.
Until he could reach the point where he had secured himself in his position and gained his own identity and respect in both the professional and personal circles around him, he couldn’t be his authentic self. Having me as his wife would give him that bridge.
But that thought fizzled out nearly as quickly as it came to be. He realized it was not only outlandish to give in to the demands of our parents, but that it would never actually give him what he wanted. A marriage based on business that had no potential for love or children wasn’t going to get him anything but heartache. He would never be able to transition from that life into one that spoke to his heart and soul. People around him would see him as dishonest, and it would crumble his reputation.
Beyond that, it would wither his soul. He needed to be who he was, not pretend to be something else, then gradually introduce his truth.
We both recognized the benefits to our family if we went along with it, but neither one of us could actually bring ourselves to do it.
An unexpected giggle came out of me as I stirred a skillet of breakfast potatoes with onions and green peppers. Derek looked over at me with a questioning expression.