Total pages in book: 85
Estimated words: 82250 (not accurate)
Estimated Reading Time in minutes: 411(@200wpm)___ 329(@250wpm)___ 274(@300wpm)
Estimated words: 82250 (not accurate)
Estimated Reading Time in minutes: 411(@200wpm)___ 329(@250wpm)___ 274(@300wpm)
Cody shakes his head. “No. We’re not twelve. I’m not taking anyone’s side, and you know if I did, it would be yours. Always. But I’m keeping it real. He’s insecure. Just as insecure as you are, only he doesn’t hide it quite as well as you think you do. Thinking you cheated on him plays on every one of those insecurities, but you know what? Even if that didn’t happen, something else would have broken you up.”
“Jesus.” I fist my hands, really wishing I could hit something. “So this is my fault? And if something would have broken us up regardless, what the hell is the point? You fucking suck at uplifting, best friend conversations, Cody. I’m trading you in.”
He sighs, then stands and walks over to me. “No, it’s not your fault. It’s life’s fault, and if you love him, then there’s your reason for trying right there.”
“You’ve never been in love. You don’t understand.” I try to walk away, but Cody’s hand shoots out and wraps around my wrist.
“This isn’t about me. It’s about you. When is the last time you’ve ever given up and walked away? When in your whole fucking life have you walked away? You worked your ass off to start a life of your own and to have your own business, without help from anyone. I’ve never known you to give up, yet the second shit gets serious with Gary and you have a fight, you just give in and throw in the towel? I don’t think so. You’re scared, T, and it’s okay to be scared, but don’t let that fear make you lose out on someone you love. Don’t just take the first reason you have to walk away before you get in too deep. You’ll regret it.”
It would be a whole lot easier if I could ignore the part of me that knows he’s right. That knows loving Gary scares me more than anything else because he has the power to devastate me. Because I’m scared to death he’ll realize I’m not who he thought I was. That he’ll decide who I am isn’t good enough, the same way my parents did. The same way my real father easily walked away when my stepdad gave him an out. Just like Steven apparently did too.
But Gary didn’t really leave me, did he? I’m the one who walked away. He just didn’t stop me. I’m not sure if that makes a difference.
I walk away from Cody because it’s easier not to look at him. I sit on the couch, my leg bouncing up and down as I tilt my head toward the floor. “I don’t know if I can do it, man. I really don’t know if I can do it.” If I can trust him. If I can believe he loves me and won’t let me down.
Cody doesn’t let me take the easy way out. He sits beside me, wraps an arm around my shoulders. “You can, baby boy. I promise you, you can. Work through your shit. Do whatever you have to do to work through it, and then go get your man back. This vulnerable side of you is freaking me out.”
I give him a soft chuckle, even though I don’t really feel it. “You think you’re so fucking smart now, huh?”
“I’ve always been smart.”
He pulls me close and kisses my forehead. “You got this,” he says, but the truth is, I don’t really know if I do. I don’t know if I have it in me to fix it.
35
Gary
I’ve had to push through this week. Hayden and Derek have done their best to cheer me up. They even suggested another guys’ night, but right now, I want to be alone.
I miss Travis.
I thought things were actually heading somewhere—that we were getting closer to each other, but then it all fell apart.
It’s not that I think he did something with that guy Vincent. After Travis left, as I thought about the sorts of assholes Peter knows and the bragging Travis was talking about, it made sense. Once he explained, I wasn’t afraid he cheated. I was terrified of waking up one day and having to face that reality the way I did with Peter. I want to believe he wouldn’t hurt me like that. I want to believe he couldn’t hurt me like that, but I thought the same thing about my ex. I opened my heart once before, and I’m terrified if I do it again, the same thing will happen. And if Travis hurt me, I don’t know if I could handle that. Even suspecting something might have happened at the park was too much.
Why go through all that again?
I sit at the dining room table in my parents’ house, picking at baby carrots with my fork.
Mom and Dad cut their steaks, seemingly not noticing that I’m fucking dying right now.